Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Yuzu is starting fires with water.

Fantasy on Ice made its long-awaited return and, in typical fashion, Yuzu’s performances demanded attention. Demanded. Threatened. Shook you down in a back alley of Makuhari… I wasn’t sure what more I could say about Yuzu’s adultness that I hadn’t already said in my posts about “Masquerade” and “Blinding Lights.” As I watched the photos and videos roll into my Twitter feed at 4 AM on the first night, I pondered this. If I was going to say something about all that I had…experienced…it needed to be something intelligent, articulate and meaningful. By the time the final “ありがとうございました [thank you]” was shouted, my profound statement had crystalized:

YUZU IS SO FRICKIN HOT.

Profound; right?

But how did this differ from all my previous “Hot Dang Yuzu” posts? Had Yuzu just managed once again to go somewhere we had never expected and thus broken the Fanyus who were already barely keeping it together after Beijing? The more reactions I saw, the more it started to become clear. Yuzu’s newest program, “Real Face,” was definitely different. In a very real way.

“Masquerade” sent us into dark corners.

“Blinding Lights” settled once and for all that Yuzu is an adult.

“Real Face”? Well. “Real Face” spawned a Fanyu-wide cry for help.

This program actually brought us OUT of the dark corners. Because we realized we couldn’t survive this on our own. Gone was the radio silence of the Fanyu trying to independently manage this on the “Earthy Scale of Fanyu Personal Distress.” In came the tweets of: “This is not happening.” Sorry, Denial Fanyu, no amount of objection is going to put the water back into that cup (which we’ll discuss more later). This time, the tweets were just “Help”…or “HALP” depending on how forgone you were before you established you needed that “HALP.”  

Best of all, I hadn’t even seen the whole program before I knew how this was all going to end: with the Fanyus losing their minds. Who among us didn’t predict that outcome? Did we really think we were going to see Yuzu for the first time since the Olympics and just think “eh”? Because as the weeks led up to Fantasy on Ice, I wondered how Yuzu could even begin to pick the first thing he would perform after an Olympics where his aura had swallowed the world whole. I would’ve been perfectly content with him simply doing all his program like he did at the Beijing practices. We don’t need to see the other skaters. Did I just say that? What the heck. It’s the truth.

We don’t need to see the other skaters…especially certain ones…and I think you know which ones you are.

While the newspapers made us proud by recognizing that Yuzu should be (and has always been) THE focus, the producers of the opening of the Makuhari live stream thought we’d rather see the other skaters struggle through the choreography like they were in a Zumba class while Yuzu was giving a Masterclass on how to sell choreography that (much like a blue and purple Wuzzle scarf) could only work on him. Stars on Ice had given us multiple “Blinding Lights” camera angles of Yuzu doing “that”…why couldn’t Fantasy on Ice understand that the entire world (including 90 cinemas full of Fanyus) needed to see him doing “this”…the WHOLE time?You’ve got a few more shots at this FaOI, so let’s reiterate:

What do we want?  Only Yuzu. 

Or, to state it more clearly, “Move, Javi. You’re blocking Yuzu.”

But were we really ready for this Yuzu resurfacing? With no livestream until the third night, we all felt cheated. I think many Fanyu sanities were spared by this lack of real-time footage. We needed to ease into what we were soon to experience. We had to prepare. You know, by putting away breakable items, designating a safe fainting spot, and hiding the phone numbers of divorce lawyers (for all you married Fanyus). Because I don’t care who you are, after what Yuzu did that first night of Fantasy on Ice, you’re going to have some thoughts.

Especially after “it” happened. And we all know what I’m referring to…

We’ve had Fantasy on Ice, Stars on Ice, Dreams on Ice, Yuzu’s infamous “Scream on Ice” and now, added to the legacy, PAPER CUP ON ICE (which was nearly upstaged by BRACELET OFF ICE). When the very first images started to surface, we all questioned what was in Yuzu’s hand. And was he sweating? Then, we received confirmation. As I texted to Cactus later,

“Yuzu apparently Flashdanced himself.” 

And while Yuzu may have settled for dousing himself with a cup of water, it was going to take way more than that to put out the blazes he ignited in the Fanyus. Way to make water highly flammable, Yuzu. Full disclosure. While everyone was freaking out over the way he picked up the cup, poured the water out of the cup and threw the cup (especially the bracelet yelling, “WEEEEEE!!!!!!”) I didn’t award this glorious and unexpected action as THE moment. For THE moment, you needed to wait two seconds more. Because after the cup was satisfyingly “recycled” in the general direction of the audience, we witnessed THE HAIR GRAB. 

I have made some rather bold statements about my attraction to Yuzu’s hair over the course of FanyuFanme’s lifetime. And I don’t anticipate them stopping. Even though I love the uniqueness of the hood look on Yuzu (I mean, he was bound to turn into a video game character eventually; right? We’re just lucky he didn’t turn into gyoza…), I appreciate that it wasn’t long before Yuzu made sure to push the hood down so we had “real hair” to go with “Real Face.” It was probably more of a jump logistic issue, but I’d like to believe it was also Yuzu’s awareness that some of us (particularly a blogger named FanyuFanme) have a high level of “Earthy Scale of Personal Preference” when it comes to his hair and WE WANT TO SEE IT. Once the third performance finally arrived and we could see “Real Face” in its life-changing entirety, I attempted to count just how many times Yuzu grabs his hair in this program. But it ended up going something like this. “One…Two…Thr-What was I doing again? And is it hot in here?”

I know we were all as surprised by the cup choreographic gem as we were by the “春よ、来い [Haru yo koi]” snowfall and the “Masquerade” glove throw (I was going to include the “Hello, I Love You” heart draw but I’ll spare reminding you of the GOE on that one, Yuzu). But Yuzu did give us a hint. He had told us in a pre-Fantasy on Ice interview that he’s very hot when he skates at Fantasy on Ice. So, technically, it was two hints: 

1) “I am hot.” (obviously)

2) “I may have a plan on how to cool off and blow up the fandom at the same time.”

You use your time so efficiently, Yuzu. Knowing Yuzu’s perfectionism, he probably watched the first night’s video back and thought, “The cup needs ⅛ ounce more water in it to achieve the exact hair flip I was going for…”

In fact, I wonder if they started to sell special tickets to people who wanted to be seated in the Fantasy on Ice “Splash Zone.” Prior to this program, your best hope of audience interaction with Yuzu was him falling (safely!) on one of his jumps and sliding to a stop at the foot of your EXTREMELY EXPENSIVE folding chair. Now, you might get splashed by a drop of water that glanced off Yuzu…or have the paper cup ricochet off your kneecap. Either way, a definite FaOI WIN. And, no, the prize for a FaOI win is NOT Yuzu’s bracelet. I hope the merchandise vendors took advantage of all these product opportunities by selling commemorative reproductions of THE paper cup and “Chi-Chi-小さい-Chia Yuzus.” (+5 GOE to the Fanyus who got that Chia joke.)

Paper Cup on Ice definitely proved a point: self proclaimed “not sexy” Yuzu is having FUN with his sexiness. It’s time to take the training wheels off of Sexy Yuzu. He has figured out how to ride THIS bike. But he still may stay close to home, because it is clear that our same Yuzu who was mortified to expose his shoulder during ShoulderScandal2018 is still in there…underneath the second shirt he was wearing as “Splash Zone of Sexiness” protection. Maybe by the time he gets to Nagoya, he’ll be doing those “only I should do this move” Besti squats in the white sweater and red Ghana scarf.

…HALP.

Then, to add more water to the fire (wait a minute) sweet, innocent Yuzu had the nerve to tell an interviewer that he wasn’t sure how it went over, but he hoped that moment made everyone’s hearts go “うわ～ [wow]”…even just “a little bit.” Yuzu. This was not a moment which made everyone’s hearts go “うわ～.” This was a tidal wave of sexy that made everyone’s hearts scream “やばい!” [OMG, dangerous, amazing, cool, insane, extreme, MARRY ME YUZU, etc…]. Sometimes I think the more Yuzu knows he rocks the world, the more he plays it down. And that makes me like him…just a little bit.   

All this to say, it was another blissful weekend in the wonderful world of Yutopia – where the only things you need are a strong internet signal, a soft pretzel and (for those of us in dramatically different time zones from Japan) the ability to keep your eyes open for approximately 44 hours straight. Once I hit hour 34 of no sleep I found myself bumping into walls, but by golly I was bumping into them happily…and then asking them “DID YOU SEE YUZU GRAB HIS HAIR?!”

Happiness is Yuzu continuing to skate for us…happily. I think we all have theories on what we think is going to happen next and what we think Yuzu might be thinking based on what we know about Yuzu…and his thinking. But deep down we all are doing the same thing, which is keeping it to ourselves. Because we are afraid to say anything out loud either way. For now, we just bask in knowing that we are going to continue to see Yuzu in Fantasy on Ice for several weekends to come. We’ll deal with the rest of it later.

Right now, we still have Yuzu. And right now, that (and a certain paper cup of water) are all that matters.

…and, of course, the hair.

(POST HEADER IMAGE – ORIGINAL PHOTO BY TORU YAGUCHI – 矢口亨)