Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

This Blue Marble

Yuzu is still Yuzu.

The Fanyus are still the Fanyus.

So why does it suddenly feel like we’re a million blue glass marbles, spilled from a bowl and rolling aimlessly in different directions?

We’ve each been comprehending, understanding, dealing, celebrating, mourning, supporting and…waiting in our own way.

One Fanyu simply messaged me punctuation. (To which I could only respond, “Right?!” and then we had said all we had to say to each other on the topic.)

One Fanyu point blank asked me to support Yuzu’s decision. (Wait. Are we voting on this marriage?)

And one Fanyu nearly set her kitchen on fire. (Turns out she was still BLAZE-ing for Yuzu.)

As 11:11 skated through 11:12, 11:13, 11:14 and then 11:11 on day after day and week after week, it became clear that the Fanyus were not only missing Yuzu, but also choosing how to evolve with Yuzu – and not always in the expected directions.

Of course, there were the “Instant Happy Fanyus” who somehow found it within themselves to handle this announcement with a +5 GOE. These Fanyus were not only supportive. They were so over the 月 [moon] happy that they were calling wedding caterers on behalf of Yuzu (“Will you be choosing the gyoza option or the gyoza option?”) before Yuzu had even finished his statement of love for figure skating. To these Fanyus, I give a standing ovation and an enthusiastic banner wave. You achieved the Super Slam of Fanyuism. I am impressed, jealous and not the least bit skeptical.

Then there were the “Carry On Fanyus” who identified an important need in the Fanyuniverse: normalcy. They were able to do what many of us couldn’t: Keep It Together. I’m sure they were experiencing many of the same feelings as the rest of us, so I want to say, “Thank you for drawing that picture of Yuzu in his Tenchi costume. You may have been sobbing while you did it, but you are doing the invaluable work we so desperately need.” 

For me, the biggest surprise came from the “Keepin’ It Real Fanyus.” They took this shift as an opportunity to say everything they had never said to Yuzu in an effort to protect him: 

“Honestly, Yuzu. Those AERA photos weren’t my favorite.” 

“I haven’t really connected with some of your new programs.” 

“Remember that costume you wore four years ago? I didn’t care for it.” 

“I didn’t really feel the way I said you made me feel with Blinding Lights.”

(That last one was completely fabricated. There’s no way anyone would’ve ever said that.)

Initially, I thought it was a lone arrow shot harmlessly into the air. But as I saw these comments more frequently, I wondered if we were about to get a #TellYuzutheTruth trending. They were different from messages of hate or bullying. These were thought out, well spoken, intelligent, constructive criticism. I didn’t expect people to go toe-pick to toe-pick with Yuzu in this way. And I’m not sure Yuzu did either. If it starts to get to you, Yuzu, just pick the gyoza option and look at that drawing of you in your Tenchi costume. Trust me. It helps.

And then there were the Fanyus who said nothing.

And then there were the Fanyus who some people thought should have said nothing. While I’m not referencing anyone specific, I will say that I think all I did was exactly what Yuzu had been wanting us to do through his skating: I felt connected. I embraced my emotions. I acknowledged the loneliness inside of me. I was vulnerable, and I will stay vulnerable until I can’t any longer. (Or at least that’s what I imagine one of those non-specific Fanyus might feel like saying.)

While some of us went straight into a combo with Jump 1 as the Announcement and Jump 2 the flawless triple Axel with a landing timed perfectly with the wrist lights, some of us needed a Euler in between. Some of us starfished across the ice, slid into the boards and are still lying there hoping we don’t get run over by the Zamboni. I’d like to think my jump was similar to Yuzu’s 2021 World Team Trophy “Let Me Entertain You” triple Axel – it looked deadly for a second but was miraculously saved.

No matter the style or the score (because we learned a long time ago that the score doesn’t matter) the important thing is that we are still on the ice. 

The Yuzu Nuzu scattered the Fanyu opinion like hundreds of GIFT “Notte Stellata” starlights. The question now is whether we will stay scattered, or manage to focus our efforts into one beaming protective ring surrounding Yuzu like the end of Prologue’s “Fleeting Dream.” And the only thing more beautiful than GIFT’s “Notte Stellata” (seriously, it was so, so beautiful) is our love for Yuzu. 

But the outpouring of love hasn’t just been from the Fanyus to Yuzu. It has also been Fanyu to Fanyu (except for those people who Yuzu’s announcement just made mean). It’s like there’s been a terrible snow storm, and we’re finally starting to dig out and check on our neighbors. “Do you have power?” “Is your heat working?” “Do you need a White Legend blanket?” We’ve been going door to door with casseroles of sadness (because we still have the recipe from when we made it for the non-Fanyus in the competition days). Through it all, more than one Fanyu has knocked on my door. Some have offered virtual hugs. Some have simply asked for a sign of life. Some just want to be heard. One Fanyu has been a constant source of Yuzu support, diligently working to replace the feathers in my Fanyu wings. 

How we are able to provide so much love for each other while still having hearts that I know are filled to capacity with love for Yuzu is magical.

All this time, I thought Yuzu was my only emergency contact. 

Some of us met in the dark corner that had once been used for very different purposes – and we shared feelings not related to faux-fingerless gloved hands over eyes or premeditated Masquerade hair sweeps. But that is only the dark corner’s temporary use. Because we know it is going to need to be restocked soon for its original purpose. That corner will always be there. And it’s going to stay dark.

I mean, come on…he’s still Yuzu. 

Some Fanyus can only manage to get out the words “baby” and “kitty.” Though I’m not certain that is a direct result of the news.

Some Fanyus have been desperately trying to gather the scattering blue marble Fanyus as some roll further and further away from Yuzu. (Also similar to gathering lost sheep – which is exactly what we all looked like in our GIFT blousons at the Tokyo Dome – especially when making a run for our seats when “Let’s Go Crazy” started playing.) Some marbles have rolled further away than others, and some marbles didn’t start far away until other marbles slammed into them and caused them to ricochet off the table entirely. Some have found themselves gradually rolling back toward Yuzu through a gravitational pull that they can’t explain. And some are questioning whether they can even stay a marble at all. 

As for me? I wasn’t sure which direction I was rolling. To quote Yuzu (because that is always a good idea), I didn’t know what was waiting where we’re heading. But I knew I had to keep going. I knew I had to run on. So, at last, I ran to GIFT. 

GIFT showed me that Yuzu had also prepared for us. He was checking on us before we even knew we needed to be checked on. Truthfully, I was afraid to watch GIFT again. What I once thought was the most beautiful gift ever given had transformed for me – in an inexplicable way – or at least I feared I would feel that way from the very first, “Are you happy there?” to the very last “Are you alone and sad?” (How did you know, Yuzu?) But then I had an epiphany.

Even though we didn’t know everything that was going on in Yuzu’s life when GIFT was created, Yuzu did.

He wasn’t lying to us (of which I never thought). It wasn’t deception (of which I also never thought). But he was preparing us. He was giving us the tools to survive. He had sent the first aid kit before the cut. I just don’t think he realized how many of us would pass out at the first sight of blood before we were able to get the box open in time to stop the bleeding. He wanted us to have this as “a place of comfort to turn to when things are rough.” He knew some of us would be hurting. And he cared – as only Yuzu has always cared. I said Yuzu had removed his hand from the hole in my heart and taken his leave. I now see that GIFT was Yuzu’s way of carefully holding our hearts with both hands and being with us forever.

So, thank you for taking care of us, Yuzu. I still may not know where we’re heading, but this blue marble is staying in the bowl. For you.