Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Missing Yuzu.

Yes. I miss Yuzu too.  

It feels silly. How can you miss someone you’ve never met? And not only miss him…but miss him A LOT. Like a whole lot. A whole, WHOLE lot. But I think this is just a testament to what Yuzu does for us. And I don’t mean “does” for us in the way “Masquerade” or “Blinding Lights” does something for us, but what his presence (even if only on the TV) adds to our lives.  

I don’t think this is typical…even for celebrities who are very loved by their fans. For one thing, no one disappears quite like Yuzu. Whether they stay in the public eye through their social media accounts or publicists, they maintain some level of presence. But not Yuzu. When Yuzu says “バイバイ” [bye bye] he means it. But that’s Yuzu. He never does anything half-way. Sure, we get the occasional white wall video or gyoza commercial, but we all know that these were pre-recorded well in advance of Yuzu’s radio silence. We all know Yuzu didn’t show up at Ajinomoto that very day in the exact same grey hoodie he’s worn in the other six videos from the past three months. And we know he was handed a red Team Japan jacket and sat in a chair at the Olympics with a list of video messages to record. It isn’t that we don’t appreciate these strategically released crumbs, but we Fanyus know our Yuzu. And when we go to the corner of the gerbil cage to get our daily sip of Yuzu water, we know that bottle was filled up a long time ago.  

I’m not alone. I see all the tweets (in all the languages) saying the same thing: “I miss Yuzu.” 

Sometimes they are poignant, pure poetry: “Missing is like an endless river, a tender and soft cloud, a fragrant flower and a music of bamboo flute.”

Sometimes they are unintentional poetry written by a language barrier: “We are very miss you.”

And sometimes there are no words. Just a stunning picture of Yuzu (is there any other kind?) and sobbing emojis. But those combine to translate effortlessly into every language: “I miss Yuzu so much.”

We aren’t just saying it because we think we should. We are saying this because there truly is a feeling that something is missing from our lives…and that something is a someone.  And that someone is Yuzu.

I believe there is an actual, chemical reaction that is missing when you go without Yuzu for so long. The amount of endorphins that are pumped into the Fanyus when Yuzu is “present” makes it even more obvious when he is missing. There is an actual loss. You are depressed when he is gone, because he adds so much when he is around. There isn’t just a feeling of “I like watching Yuzu skate.” There is a feeling of “My life is vastly better when Yuzu is in it.” You simply can’t take that away without noticing it…and wanting it back. When Yuzu goes into radio silence, the Fanyus need a prescription to hold us over until we can get another natural dose of Vitamin Yuzu. As it stands, we all just get in line at the Corner YouTube Drugstore – and no, we won’t accept a generic substitution.  

We haven’t yet reached the point of putting flyers up on telephone poles or trying to get his photo on the side of a milk carton (is that even still a thing?), but I can still feel the Yuzu Absence Tolerance growing thin. I can just imagine calling the police and filing a missing person report:

ME: “I would like to report the disappearance of my Japanese figure skater boyfriend.”

DETECTIVE: “And when was the last time you saw him?”

ME: “On TV helping a giant panda on ice skates stand up at the Beijing Olympics.”

If the detective on the phone doesn’t know who Yuzu is, I think the next sound would be a dial tone. If they happened to be a Fanyu, they would respond with, “I’ve already got an APB out on him.”

I wonder if I would get further if I called Animal Control to report my missing GOAT…

But while we’re all missing Yuzu, I cannot fathom what it must feel like to be Yuzu during these separations. It must feel so strange to be living your life knowing that literally millions of people want to know what you’re going to do next, how you are doing, if your ankle hurts…

Fixing lunch? Millions of people wonder how you’re doing.

Folding laundry? Millions of people wonder how you’re doing.

Reading tweets from people wondering how you’re doing? Millions of people wonder how you’re doing.

This Yuzu drought has a higher base value than any Yuzu drought we’ve experienced before. We may have waited with no word, but there was less uncertainty as to if he would eventually return. Whether we knew he was determined to go to the PyeongChang Olympics, was committed to an ice show or wanted to land the Quad Axel, there was a “next” on Yuzu’s to-do list. 

When the Zambonis come out, you know that if you just wait the skaters will return after the ice resurfacing. But we are currently in a state of perpetual Yuzu resurfacing. 

To make matters worse, despite his incredibly brave and smiling face at all the post-free skate interviews and gala, we know that Yuzu went into this hiatus hurting – in body and in spirit. What’s the base value for the “Heartbroken for Yuzu Quad Sal”?

And so we don’t know what to hope. Do we hope for recovery and return?Do we hope for release and that other word that starts with “r” that we refuse to say out loud? Do we hope for something completely Yuzu that we never even saw coming? Or do we keep that hope on hold until at least the barrier closes behind the last Zamboni?  

I want him to live his life. I want him to be happy – not just happy – “So happy.” I want him to feel free to make the decisions he wants to make. But I would be lying if I didn’t say that I also hope he comes back to us. 

Because I am very miss him like an endless river. [sobbing emoji face]