Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

I’m sending Yuzu a card for Boss’s Day.

You might think I’m using the term “boss” in the urban sense that he is “of a higher life form than most feeble humans” (which is true); however, I am using it in the “person who is in charge of a worker, group or organization” sense. Because I work for Yuzu. He is my C.E.M. (Chief Executive Muse)…and I’m not alone. Thousands of other Fanyus work at HanyuHQ with me. There may not be a water cooler where we can gather on breaks (and take bets on what color Yuzu will have chosen to make the water that day), but we’re colleagues nonetheless.  

Before it became “the thing” to work from home, we were already there. We’re at laptops and tablets, iPhones and Androids, desktops and coffee shops. We work with Sharpies and styluses, pencils and pixels, canvas and Canva, brushes and bandwidth. We ship out GIFs and memes and desktop themes. Some of us even sculpt butter. There’s the newsroom, the darkroom, the art studio, the writer’s desk, the archives…and one whole department dedicated to LGC hair.  

Plus, we’re international. Cirque du Soleil has nothing on us. We have at least one location in nearly every country. We have as many languages as Google translate (and can speak them more adeptly too). Figure skating empire branch in Mongolia? Тийм [Yes *in Mongolian]. You know it.

Yuzu said it best when asked about his lack of social media presence. Why should he do it? The fans do it for him. Most of us try to keep with the company culture of humility, gratitude and kindness. But every company needs a couple employees who will curse out the ISU when absolutely necessary…in the kindest way, of course.

Did I consider other careers? Sure. There is a short list of positions I considered applying for prior to joining HanyuHQ:

Entry Level Ghana Hot Chocolate Commercial Scarf Holder:

I don’t know what college degree you need in order to be deemed qualified in this “skill,” but I clearly didn’t major in the right subject. I mean, I can hold things. I can even hold things without dropping them. Doesn’t carrying 8 Trader Joe’s bags to my fourth floor apartment count for something? I’m quite certain I could keep hold of a fluffy red scarf…WITH YUZU ATTACHED TO IT.

Professional Yuzu Fanner:

“Looking for someone to stand in the general vicinity of two-time Olympic gold medalist Yuzuru Hanyu and fan him.” Who wouldn’t answer that job listing? Potential Carpal tunnel syndrome?I’ll go to physical therapy. Possible equipment malfunction? I’ll bring my own back-up fan. The biggest risk would be the probability of bursting into flames if Yuzu glanced at you. That position better come with a serious worker’s compensation package.

Ice Rink Sendai Night Shift Manager:

Let’s be honest. We’ve all thought this through by now. Someone in Sendai won the Yuzu Lottery. Someone must be letting Yuzu into the building for his 2 AM training sessions. I mean, is there a possibility that Yuzu just has a set of (gold) keys to let himself in and turn the lights on? Sure. But I’d like to think instead that there is someone who has lived a good enough life that the universe deemed them worthy of this most awesome gift–sitting in the adjacent office in the middle of the night while Yuzu perfects the quad Axel out on the rink. (Plus, I’d also feel better knowing he isn’t heaving himself onto the ice with zero supervision.) If by some chance this person is up for early retirement, please notify me immediately. I’ll apply for my work visa, STAT.

Senior Yuzu Hair Adjuster:

The most coveted of all positions. Follow Yuzu around during his commercial shoots and fix his hair. I can just imagine how this job interview would go…

Interviewer: And are you willing to reach up and touch Yuzu’s hair whenever-

Me: YES!!!!!!

A quick side note to the current Senior Yuzu Hair Adjuster: I see you. I see you reach up and “fix” Yuzu’s hair when there is ab-so-lute-ly nothing wrong with it. And to this I say…“I’d do the exact same thing.  Keep living the dream.”

But since I don’t have a doctorate in scarf-holding/fan-waving, am not a resident of Sendai and apparently haven’t been deemed the luckiest person alive, my career path led me to jump onto a podium at HanyuHQ. Though there may not be paychecks, health insurance or a 401K, company morale remains at a (world) record high. Maybe one day we’ll form a company softball league, but only if Yuzu will come pitch for us.

In the meantime, I’m proud to have a parking pass for the Hanyu Empire. 

Because my boss is a BOSS.