Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Things I wonder about Yuzu…

Every Fanyu has them: the random thoughts that enter your mind while waiting for Yuzu’s warm-up group to come on the ice…or when you’re supposed to be paying attention to a meeting at work. We all know it happens.

Is his favorite moment in Tokyo Ghoul the same as mine?  

What does his room look like? 

How tall is he REALLY?  

But I have started to find my musings are becoming extremely specific.

Does Yuzu ever wait in line?  

Think about it. Can you realistically picture Yuzu standing in line at McDonald’s? How about in a waiting room? Imagine going into a dentist office and looking over at the chair next to the aquarium. There sits Yuzu flipping through Figure Skater magazine. (You would have to be picturing this happening in Japan in order for the Figure Skater magazine part to be real. If you’re picturing him in a dentist office in America, he’s watching the seemingly endless loop of Property Brothers.) He’d probably have his earphones in and be lip syncing to psych himself up for the best teeth polishing of his life. But does Yuzu really ever have to wait anywhere? I would think he has a universal “Fast Pass” wherever he goes. That, or one of a few other options. A, he has someone who can go pick up his McDonald’s for him. This is another job for which I volunteer. (If we’re still counting, that’s Yuzu’s Ghana commercial scarf holder, Fanner, Hair Adjuster and wrapping Yuzu in bubble wrap as my potential new careers.) B, he has a back entrance to any doctor office appointments. Or, C, he simply doesn’t go. (For which I mean to McDonald’s. Yuzu’s too responsible to skip a doctor’s appointment.)

Does his family have bad photos of him? 

A bad photo of Yuzu seems to defy the laws of photography. But they must be out there. Surely there’s a not so great one of him holding up a birthday gift. Somehow I just don’t think that the usual comments at family gatherings apply in Yuzu’s orbit: 

“Well, I look good in this one, but Yuzu doesn’t.”  

“Oh wait. Yuzu’s eyes were closed.”  

“I’ll delete these three. Yuzu’s hair was doing something funny.” 

Okay. So that last one is completely unrealistic, but you get the gist.  

The mere thought of unstaged, not on ice, not on a commercial set Yuzu photos is hard to imagine. But they must exist. Surely not everything in Yuzu’s closet has his name embroidered on it or is a beautifully handcrafted work of art. There’s got to be at least one Tokyo Ghoul T-shirt.

Does Yuzu have a favorite piece of clothing?

We all have it: the favorite T-shirt, hoodie or pair of shoes. Sometimes they’re an inexplicable favorite that no one other than you sees. Mine is a Gossip Girl sweatshirt with Chuck Bass on it. It reads “I’m All About That Bass.” I doubt Yuzu’s favorite has a really bad pop culture English pun on it…or Chuck Bass. Maybe it’s a sweatshirt with Pooh-san’s face on it that says “I Love Winnie-ing.” While it’s probably something really casual and cozy, I’m sure we Fanyus would end up adding “…of Sin” to the end of it. That used to be reserved for the Purple Pants of Sin. Then the Stars on Ice White Polo Shirt happened. And while A, that really didn’t do it for me (sacrilege, I know) and B, in America we would call that “fitted” (or a women’s XXL) instead of “too small”…it managed to get the revered suffix. Pretty soon, we’re just going to start adding “…of Sin” to the end of every article of clothing Yuzu owns. I KNOW CloneMe would be all about T-shirt of Sin. But where does it end? ANA hoodie of Sin? Toe socks of Sin? Gray Linen pajamas of Sin? Ok, that last one actually works too. In fact…a lot.

Does he run out of paper towels?  

Because this is an unbelievably plebeian problem. It just seems strange to think of Yuzu reaching for something to find that he’s run out. This musing can be easily adjusted by subbing in any other everyday, household item: toothpaste, milk, tissue boxes for Pooh-san. And then how does he get these things? This sends us back to the waiting in line musing. I guess there’s always online shopping. Which leads us to…

Does he ever forget his password?  

Granted, I guess remembering “Land4Axel!” for every single login may not be that difficult. To be clear, I DO NOT KNOW YUZU’S PASSWORD. So don’t bother trying to hack into his Amazon Japan account to view his purchase history. But, if you do, and it works (wouldn’t THAT be something), let me know what brand of shampoo he’s currently ordering. I’m dying to know if it’s still Pantene or if that whole story about his house always smelling like Pantene was just expertly crafted by P&G to get me (er, I mean, other fans) to blindly buy their product.

Does Yuzu drive?  

Some of the more covert Fanyus may have the actual answer to this question. Maybe this has been talked about somewhere and I’ve just missed it. We know he couldn’t ride a bicycle, but that’s about it for the Yuzu Transportation thread. For some reason, this is one of the hardest things in the world for me to picture. But if you want to go even further, try picturing him pumping gas. (Hang in there, Earthy Fanyus. You can do this.) And there is not a doubt in my mind that if Yuzu were to get out of a vehicle and start a transaction at the pump, he would absolutely get the “SEE CASHIER” notice flashed up on the screen. I mean, if YOU were the cashier, wouldn’t you make that happen? (Add Gas Station Attendant in Sendai to my potential new careers list.) 

P.S. I bet even his driver’s license photo would be great.