Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Yuzu has no vacancy.

As much as I know we would all love to check-in, turn back in your keys to the Hanyu Hotel because that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about Yuzu’s constant train of thought. He always, いつも[always] looks like he’s thinking. It doesn’t matter if he’s skating in a circle, picking out the best plant for a terrarium or trying desperately to pull English out of thin air in an Olympic Press Conference where mysteriously (but thankfully for the Fanyus) no translators are present. And why is that? (The always thinking part, not the no translators part.) What is it that makes Yuzu incapable of being devoid of thought?  

One reason? Yuzu is brilliant.

Of all those times you pictured Yuzu sitting at his laptop working on his thesis (assuming you’re still counting), did he ever have a vacant look on his face? I bet not. Glasses? YES. Vacant look? NO. You just can’t be as smart of a person as Yuzu and your brain decide to take a 休み [holiday]. I’m sure he looks just as focused while playing Monster Hunter. Well. Let’s be honest. Probably even more focused while playing Monster Hunter. But it isn’t just when doing something that requires a certain level of attention. It’s also when he’s unwrapping a Ghana bar to make hot chocolate. Or waiting for the milk in the microwave. Or choosing between heart-shaped sugar cookies. Or determining the number of mini marshmallows he can delicately pick up at once without dropping them (and thus freaking out).  

Sidebar now that we’ve gone down the Ghana Hot Chocolate Commercial Rabbit Hole. And folks, this isn’t the Masquerade dark corner or the Blinding Lights darkest corner (Hm. Can I really proclaim that corner “darkest”? Maybe I should stick with the chocolate theme and say it is the 70% Dark Corner. Yuzu always needs room to grow.) But this Hot Chocolate Rabbit Hole is my absolute favorite place to be. Aside from being the best display of Yuzu’s “the more layers I am wearing, the more sexy I exponentially become” phenomenon, there is another mystical quality to these commercials that I am yet to fully comprehend: Yuzu’s Ghana Commercial Japanese. Now, I don’t speak a tremendous amount of Japanese. When putting together more than a basic sentence, I call in help from a native speaker (not Yuzu, but wouldn’t that be awesome?) to ensure I’m saying what I mean to say and not inadvertently calling someone a sponge. (If I’ve already done that somewhere within this blog, now is the time to tell me.) I mean, Yuzu’s Japanese is always at an endearment level of 100%, but give him a red apron and it goes off the charts. Is it just me? Some Fanyus go for the whisper-soft Yuzuspeak of the Nishikawa or Sekkisei commercials. I’m all about the “I have not the foggiest what you just said but I’m going to dive through the TV, grab you by Layer 3 and beg you to say it again and again” Yuzuspeak. And that happens every single time Yuzu makes hot chocolate. Probably even when he’s just making it at home. (Okay, that thought has put me in the 80% Dark Corner…) Best of all, I have ZERO interest in knowing what he is actually saying in these videos. I think it would just ruin it. You hear that, DuoLingo? Don’t teach me anything Yuzu might say about hot chocolate, お願いします [please]. But enough time in this Rabbit Hole. If I stay here much longer I might get stuck…or have a litter.

Another reason Yuzu can’t be vacant? He is curious.

If his brain isn’t firing for the purpose of saving the world (from unfair judging or from monsters) or making the most fascinating comment in 日本語 [Japanese] while waiting 1 minute and 30 seconds for hot chocolate to microwave, he’s discovering something. Testing out the camera equipment, decorating backstage monitors with Santa hats or sticking his head inside the world’s luckiest Domo mascot. Curiosity doesn’t kill this cat. It makes him go viral. I occasionally screenshot some of my favorite Fanyu Tweets and add them to my Yuzu Museum Gallery. The first one ever? “Yuzu has just arrived to the venue. LGC hair alert.” So, if that was your tweet in 2018, おめでとう[congrats]. But another favorite is a picture of Yuzu working diligently on something at a press conference table. Caption?  “Just a minute of Yuzu organizing the draw tiles.” Yuzu can’t just sit somewhere and look dim–a skill for which certain other figure skaters receive a really high PCS (and actually deserve it).  

But my favorite reason for Yuzu’s lack of vacancy? Yuzu wants to entertain us.

Even if it doesn’t involve shiny black pants and half-hearted ass shaking (in the LMEY way) or totally committed “earthiness” (in the Blinding Lights way) Yuzu wants us to be pleased. He wants to give us things to screenshot, tweet about, sketch and cross stitch. (Cause MAN can some of us Fanyus whip up those Yuzu cross-stitches fast!)

Nothing demonstrates this desire better than the multiple (and I do mean multiple) “Behind the Scene Specials” aired by TBS Channel 2 for Stars on Ice and Dreams on Ice. While I am completely grateful for these specials, I also need to say, “I see what you’re doing…and so do the other Fanyus. We see you giving us a three and a half hour ‘special’ with a grand total of 8 minutes of new Yuzu content. And while we see what you’re doing…we’re still there for it.” Because we remember it all. You can’t fool the Fanyus. We remember seeing Yuzu standing backstage in that particular light warming up before Masquerade. We remember seeing him walk down the hall as the light catches that certain sequin on his costume as he passes the camera. We remember seeing him show those bruises on his legs (that’s the stuff Fanyu nightmares are made of.) We even remember seeing him drinking out of that water bottle with that specific shade of water in it. You can’t pass this stuff off as new content like we weren’t paying attention. We notice angles of arms and fingers and degrees of hair parting. 

Oh, do we notice the hair parting…

And Yuzu knows this! And thus…he thinks. He thinks of what he can do that will be different, unique, unseen. The longer the side-eye and subtle smirk, the more satisfyingly mischievous the result. Whether he’s standing in a huddle, pulling on a glove or deciding which direction to spin a hot chocolate muddler, he knows we’re watching and noticing and cataloging. (ごめんなさい [sorry] Yuzu. We’re not as creepy as we sound. Well, most of us aren’t. Well, some of us try.) We know how much pressure Yuzu puts on himself. And it doesn’t stop with the competitions. He wants us entertained, thrilled, inspired. It’s a different pressure. A pressure to show us something we haven’t seen before. “I’ll say it this way this time.” “I’ll wear it this way this time.” “I’ll comb it this way this time.”  

So for all that thinking, Yuzu, どうもありがとうございます [thank you so much]. We know you’ll always give us something we haven’t seen before…at least until TBS Channel 2’s next “Special Exclusive, Never Before Seen, Backstage Special of New Yuzu Special Content on Ice” Special. 

And we wouldn’t miss it for the 海綿 [world].