Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

There is a pair of black gloves in my closet.

The first time I noticed them folded neatly on top of each other on the shelf, I nearly stumbled backward out of the closet. Has Yuzu already started moving his things in??? I certainly didn’t remember putting them there (obviously, now, I remember putting them there), but at the time I thought I was losing my mind. (Yeah, I hear your snickers. They aren’t lost on me.) But this is just one occurrence in a string of bizarre, Yuzu coincidences. Coincidences? Signs from the universe? You be the judge.

One night, I was working in my Kanji workbook and the exercise read, “You have just received an email from your Japanese penpal, Makiko. Makiko has written you about her boyfriend. Translate her email.” I look at the very first sentence about her boyfriend and, I kid you not, I sound out the word (アイススケート) “ah-ee-su-su-keh-eh-toe.” I almost fall off the couch. You can’t be serious. I sound it out again and again. No doubt. Makiko and her boyfriend are ICE SKATING. Gasp! Makiko’s dating Yuzu too! Then I read the second sentence which states that her boyfriend is not skilled at ice skating. Ah. Okay. Clearly not Yuzu. I found this so humorous that I posted a picture of the two sentences in my Yuzuru Hanyu Japanese Learning Group (Remember, IT IS A THING). ‘Isn’t this funny, 皆さん [everyone]? I thought Makiko was dating Yuzu!’ Someone responded, “It says ICE skating, not FIGURE skating.” As if I had compared figure skating to hot dog eating. (And we all know in THAT case, Makiko would’ve been dating Chansung instead of Yuzu and, hence, my sister “WOULD CRAZY”). 

Perhaps my favorite moment came from my local weatherman. Wow. There’s a sentence from a very different (and inaccurate) blog. I was talking on the phone to my mom while half watching the weather report when I heard, “There’s a little bit of rotation on the radar. It’s like when a figure skater jumps and pulls his arms in tight in order to spin faster…” 

Mysteriously, I now find storm fronts far more attractive.

Then, there was the episode of “Perfect Strangers” that is all about Balki making hot chocolate and thus meeting an Olympic athlete. Larry Appleton, you’re not the only one who couldn’t believe that. People. This was in the 80s. How could they possibly have known about the magical combination of Olympians (Olympians named Yuzuru, that is) and hot chocolate? Biiiiiiinky BINKY!

And did you know that Beaver Cleaver’s next door neighbor was training to be in the 1968 Olympics? Or that Ward thought Wally was going to be a future Olympian? Please tell me you saw those episodes too and that I didn’t imagine them…

“じゃあまた (see you), Wally.”

“じゃあまた (see you), Beav.”

I mean, even my phone is auto-correcting random words to “Yuzu” now. (At least, I’m pretty sure it’s my phone doing that…) I think this is the universe’s way of saying “You’re getting warmer…warmer…hot…scalding hot! Blaze! Yuzu is IT!”

Then again…

There are 126,510,637 people in Japan.  

Of those 126,510,637; 126,510,636 either want to marry Yuzu, marry their child off TO Yuzu or BE Yuzu. The one person who doesn’t? The mother of Pyeongchang Figure Skating SILVER Medalist, Shoma Uno. And let’s get real. She probably loves Yuzu too. Did I mention he’s the greatest figure skater of all time? Yuzu, not Shoma. Sorry, Shoma. I know you did the Fanyus a solid by making Yuzu giggle like that when you couldn’t get seated on your chair in that one interview. どうもありがとうございます [Thank you so much]. 本当に [Really].

One of the Fanyus posted on Facebook that “Figure skating was invented because one day Yuzuru Hanyu would be born.” I might’ve cried a little. This sentiment was right on the tiny nostriled nose. 

Speaking of Fanyus, Yuzu has millions of fans in other countries around the world, though he is Japan’s treasure. And yes, when Japan was asked this question, it responded in Japanese but with the subtext of “Don’t be silly. There’s no question.” He’ll probably be Prime Minister some day, or, if he wants to stay out of politics, they may just GIFT him Japan.

“This enormous framed piece of paper says Japan is yours now.” Bow. 

“ありがとうございます” [Thank you.] Bow. 

“ありがとうございます.” [Thank you.] Bow. 

Bow.  Bow.  Bow.  

“We’d also like to give you another one of the Emperor’s daughters.”  

Yeah. This is an extremely viable relationship.