Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

The newest Yuzu content creator…IS YUZU.

On August 7, during my dive into social media to save my 5,627th picture of Yuzu in his UA training outfit, I was met with a surprising five words:

YUZU HAS A YOUTUBE CHANNEL. 

My immediate reaction? Hysterical laughter followed by…“Well. That’s obviously not true.” But then, there was Yuzu…SAYING IT HIMSELF. And I thought, ‘Okay, Yuzu. Here we go.’

I hesitate to start any of the following paragraphs with the phrase, “The best part was…” because there are too many best parts to pick a best part. Since its creation, Yuzu’s YouTube Channel has been one “best part” after the next. And just when I think the best best part has finally happened, we have a YouTune debacle and I realize even I couldn’t have dreamed up some of these best parts.

To be clear, I have been a hard core member of Team No Social Media Yuzu, so I wasn’t sure if I was completely in support of this new venture. I love that he doesn’t have accounts on Facebook, Instagram or Twitter (except for those couple hours we don’t talk about). But so far, this has been fabulous. And for all sorts of reasons. But the number one reason (not to be confused with ‘the best part’) is that Yuzu appears to be doing this himself. And this has made it truly glorious.  

It felt like Yuzu just woke up one morning and said, “What should I do today? I know. I think I’ll WIN YOUTUBE. Someone find me a white wall.” He didn’t even bother to wait for an official logo or header. He just went straight to his first video where he is doing…NOTHING (except of course for actually BEING YUZURU HANYU.) It’s like “Hey, it’s Yuzu. I started a YouTube Channel. I’m still working on it. Hope you like it. See you later.” This felt less like the Greatest Figure Skater of All Time overtaking the internet and more like a voicemail you might get late at night from a friend who got bored and started dabbling in social media. But I bet you’d be surprised to see your friend’s face on all the newspapers the next morning because his new hobby WON YOUTUBE.   

Speaking of newspapers, I love the sweet, desperate newspapers. Not since “Yuzu in a Box” have they had to get quite so creative with screenshotting a white wall for full page spreads. “His hand is in this shot! And he bowed his head in this shot! And his smile is just a little different in this shot.” But the TV news programs got even more creative. The result? A graph tracking Yuzu’s YouTube subscribers like he’s the Stock Market.

Gosh. I’d love to buy some shares of Yuzu…

I know I can’t be the only Yuzu content creator whose heart beats faster knowing Yuzu is among us. And this is different from the whole “Which Fanyu Is He?” AMONG US. I’ve always said I feel like I work at Hanyu HQ, but now it really feels true. Yuzu finally found the key to his corner office we had been saving for him. I just imagine him (wearing his glasses!) at his desk checking his site analytics, and I feel sweet satisfaction knowing the number of link clicks I have sent Yuzu’s way (as if he needs the help). But I have secured 198 link clicks for you so far, Yuzu. Please remember that when you’re handing out the Christmas bonuses. And don’t even get me started on my suggestions for what those could be. (Easy, Earthyus.) 

Yuzu said he still wants us to feel the nervous excitement of a competition. Well, I think that has been achieved. Because the Fanyus are bordering on rabid when it comes to helping Yuzu win YouTube. As the number of views and subscribers rises, our intensity level grows. And it is hard to top the intensity of a worked up Fanyu. Trust me. It lands somewhere around Yuzu’s “Aggressive-Lip-Syncing-Beast-Competitor” Mode. You know the one. And you just saw the look. By the time Yuzu’s subscribers hit 600,000, the Fanyu tweets started sounding less like supportive fans and more like a mob rushing the field at the end of the Super Bowl. “Let’s gooooooooooooooo!!!!!” (Crazy?) Gone are the Fanyus self-promoting their own content.

It’s now a race to get Yuzu to jump on top of the podium to have a gold YouTube button placed around his neck. I bet you’ll like the smell of it too, Yuzu.

Let’s be real. It must be very convenient to be a Yuzu Content Creator when YOU ARE YUZU. I mean, when Yuzu runs out of ideas for content, all he has to do is tap Yuzu on the shoulder and say “I need something new to post – go be Yuzu.” Problem solved. Or if he doesn’t have time to create content…he simply stops himself from doing things. Want to play video games? No Yuzu action. Eating gyoza? No Yuzu action. “Yuzu’s a little busy with other things this week so cool it, Yuzu.”

Once word got out that Yuzu was going to be live streaming his practice, I started to get suspicious. Had Yuzu created this channel for the sole purpose of funneling us all into one place so he could show us something…special? And not just something…“special.” Something Quad-special? I started to wonder if Content Creator Yuzu was asking a little too much of Yuzu right out of the YouTube gate. But think about it. He said he wanted to land this jump in front of us. And this would guarantee the arena was big enough to fit us all in at once. AND he would then be the owner of the footage…not some random TV station which would Kobe it. But I digress…

I have to say, I’m not sure Yuzu is 100% glad he opened the YouTube gate. When the channel was first announced and we were all losing our minds, I had the thought, ‘I’m not sure we’re getting what we think we’re getting.’ Yuzu might’ve peeked through the Social Media blinds, but he hadn’t thrown the door open. I loved reading the translation of his second video. Despite being downright chatty, there seemed to be a bit of an underlying subtext of, ‘What have I done?’ He started to gradually backpedal – which is hard to do if you aren’t great on a bike so be careful Yuzu! Telling us he wasn’t going to share daily activities. Warning us these videos wouldn’t happen frequently. I half expected him to end the video with, “I changed my mind! バイバイ [bye bye]!” I wouldn’t have blamed him. Missed him? Yes. Blamed him? No.

As the time for Yuzu’s SharePractice approached, it struck me how lucky we were to finally have ONE LINK where we were all expected to report. No worry which of the eight links were actually going to work, or that the stream would look like it was underwater, or that the guy streaming it from his basement had a hot date and was going to forget that Fanyus the world over were counting on him. But then, 10 minutes before the scheduled start, I casually sauntered over to the link I was certain was correct only to find in all capital letters scrolling through the chat, “THIS IS NOT THE LIVESTREAM LINK!!!!” And we were right back to needing a Yuzu Flight Controller. It was like someone had shouted, “GET OUT! THIS ROOM IS ON FIRE!” and the Fanyus scattered. Luckily, we had established a safe place to gather in case of emergencies: Yuzu’s YouTube Channel. Thanks for providing us shelter, Yuzu…and for giving us that moment of nostalgia as we all scrambled to spread the word to our fellow Fanyus. Because no Fanyu gets left behind.

I think we all knew Yuzu was going to give us Skate Lacing Yuzu, Lip Syncing Yuzu, “Shu-pa!” Yuzu, and Nose Blowing Yuzu, but there were other Yuzus I don’t think we had expected…or were completely prepared for. Like Porpoise Yuzu (I think you know the dolphinesque stretch sequence I’m referring to), Osteopath Yuzu (I bet you found yourself wishing you were Yuzu’s 左足首 [left ankle]) and, of course, Exotic Dancer Yuzu (there’s a phrase I never thought I’d use). 

I mean, who gave the cameraman that directive? I just can’t picture Yuzu saying “And then, when I’m warming up, stand behind me and make sure to get a close up of my butt.” Though…after the Nagoya shirt lift slide, who’s to say? Yuzu takes care of his fans, and he had to give the Earthyus somethin’. Between the hip gyrations and getting dangerously close to the Women’s Locker Room Showers, it was quite the SharePractice for the Earthyus. 

I mean, imagine coming out of the locker room to find Yuzuru Hanyu hugging the air conditioning unit…or, better yet, being a porpoise.

For me, nothing is sexier than Yuzu removing one pair of pants to reveal another pair of pants. I can’t believe we got that…live…and on a freshly sanitized bench. Because raise your hand if you gasped with glee when Yuzu made sure to industrially sanitize the bench before setting his iPod on it. I think I said out loud to my TV, “I love him so much.”

And I meant it. 

I. LOVE. HIM. SO. MUCH.

I can’t be the only Fanyu who was overcome with that thought during the livestream. I merely needed to look to social media to confirm this. We were grateful. We were gleeful. And we were…stunned with love. Yuzu’s SharePractice gave new meaning to the phrase, “Too good to be true.” As one Fanyu tweeted after it ended: Did the last two hours really happen?

Yes, Fanyu. And I’m pretty sure they’re going to happen again every night as a permanent fixture in my schedule. Because the whole next day, I just wanted to get back to Ice Rink Sendai with Yuzu. It is now the only place I ever want to be. I don’t need anything else. Just let me go back and sit next to Yuzu in the ice rink. I was having a terrible, terrible day that day. But then Yuzu just picked me up like the little Google Maps Man and plopped me down next to his chair in Sendai for two hours. And everything FOR THAT TWO HOURS was 大丈夫 [okay]. Who wouldn’t want to stay there? I promise to sit quietly, Yuzu. And I won’t even get in the way when you’re trying to see your porpoise reflection in the shoe rental window.

Up until now, we were perfectly happy sitting in the back of the arena. But on July 19 we had a separation scare which ramped up our love even more. There was so much we thought we were going to lose, despite Yuzu trying desperately to convey that he was not going away. (Lesson? ALWAYS TRUST YUZU.) Now we can watch him skate with the comforting thought of, ‘We didn’t lose Yuzu.’ But please don’t be alarmed that we now feel it necessary to sit on top of your suitcase while you’re getting ready, Yuzu. Some of us have abandonment issues.

And Yuzu knew we were going to miss Fluff Yuzu. We want to see him scrolling through his iPod playlist, eating mystery powders, gazelle jumping down the hallway…and taking off that top pair of pants. One of the things I was so afraid we would miss with Professional Athlete Yuzu was the opportunity to watch him THINK. I want to see him count his rotations by spinning his finger in the air. I want to see him talking to himself like he’s simultaneously his own best friend and fiercest critic. He knows that for some strange reason that all DOES SOMETHING for us. My new favorite Thinking Yuzu moment? The hand gesture where it looks like he extracts his soul from his body and sets it free like a bluebird (which he did not buy in a shop in Sendai). It happens at 1:09:27 in the SharePractice video. CLICK HERE to go watch it (and increase my Hanyu HQ Christmas Bonus).

From the moment of its creation, the Fanyus flooded Yuzu’s Channel with comments and set up folding chairs in every available dark corner. But there was one chair we had all expected to remain empty…until, in the most unexpected action since Yuzu’s creation of a YouTube Channel, Yuzu stuck his head into the chat room and asked, “What’s going on in here?” And suddenly we were on the other side of the looking glass. When he asked for requests, he broke us more than “Blinding Lights.” A few people managed to send the dumpling emoji and one poor, flustered Fanyu threw her purse at her phone. (There’s an obscure Yuzu history reference for ya). In case he ever asks again, I’m going to practice typing “R&J 1.0” over and over to get it into my muscle memory. It might mean a few strange exchanges with co-workers when they send me a question, (“What do you mean your lunch order is ‘R&J 1.0’? Does that come with a drink?”) but it’s all about the end game.

This unexpected chat moment even drove one Fanyu to use the word FUDGIN. Then again, by the third time Yuzu hit the SEIMEI pose I heard myself say, “AW SNAP.” Which I think may be the first time I’ve ever said that in my entire fudgin life…

While we continue to add views to your YouTube Channel, learn to recognize the phrase, “Any requests?” in Japanese and train ourselves to breathe despite feeling like you have set our souls free like bluebirds, we only have one request for you, Yuzu. And that request is…

Please keep inviting us to sit beside you.*

*and R&J 1.0 with a cherry cola for the drink