THERE’S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC…and Yuzu is wearing shoes indoors.
Originally released in May of 2020 on the FanyuFanme Facebook Page, this special 4-part blog series was all about the JSF Skate Forward video released by Yuzu during Covid-19. You can now read it in its entirety below!
Just like LGC hair, you don’t want to miss it!
It’s been two months since the ISU’s soul-crushing but thank-you-for-pity’s-sake-how-long-did-you-need-to-wait cancellation of the 2020 World Championships due to the Coronavirus. And while we would’ve normally been in Yuzu Radio Silence during these months anyway, when you also take away our ability to gather, go to the grocery, see our friends and have toilet paper, we’re gonna need some Yuzu to balance things out. It’s only fair, Universe. It’s only fair.
Yes, we got a “皆様. こんにちは. 羽生 結弦 です.” [Hello, everyone. It’s Yuzuru Hanyu.] message, but while it was Yuzu and thus we were grateful for every second, it had a bit of a hostage video vibe to it. I half expected him to hold up that day’s newspaper and send some kind of child-of-a-diplomat, secret hand symbol to assure us he was unharmed. The most reassuring part was how he kept glancing diagonally downward. Clearly Pooh-san was holding his cue cards for him. Because you can’t expect Yuzu and Pooh-san to social distance.
But then, we got a glimmer of hope in the form of a “SEIMEI” pose from another Japanese figure skater. I don’t know who she is. I’ll admit it. I don’t follow figure skating unless it’s Yuzu. Because whatever sport it is that Yuzu is doing, isn’t the same thing these other people are doing. But the Japan Skating Federation has been tweeting videos of skaters and what they’re doing during the quarantine. And this skater–who I don’t know but want to send a contactless present to now–struck a “SEIMEI” pose at the end of her video to “challenge” the next skater. First, she’s lucky Yuzu didn’t quad axel in from the side at being “challenged” to do anything. Second, all the Fanyus clutched their hearts and fell over as if he did.
So the countdown began. But the countdown to when? I mean, we were dealing with Twitter thread time, layered over Japan time, layered over someone throwing on sweatpants to get up and push a “tweet” button time. But every layered second was one…second…closer…to seeing Yuzu. At least we assumed. The JSF would’ve gotten some serious backlash for just throwing out a Yuzu pose if they had nothing. Luckily for the JSF (because we need somewhere to funnel our rage with so little going on with the ISU right now) many hours later, Yuzu surfaced. Good job, JSF intern for finally knocking on the right door in Toronto, Sendai or Wapakanetta (because the Where in the World is Yuzu game has had some serious ante upped lately). While other celebrities sent out videos of how they quarantine julienne vegetables, quarantine sit on the edge of their unmade beds or quarantine plant their gardens, Yuzu said, “違います! 羽生 結弦 ですよ! 検疫*に勝った!!!” [Wrong! I am Yuzuru Hanyu. I won quarantine!] and gifted us a Yuzu Program Retrospective with the most Yuzu things he could give:
Not one blank white wall. But two.
(Subtext: If you think you’re going to figure out what country I’m in right now by my walls, think again.)
People seriously were disappointed that they couldn’t get any clues from his walls to tell us what time zone he’s currently in. What did they expect? A video of him in front of a window looking out at Tokyo Tower? Or an “Evil” billboard in Toronto? (If you’ve been to the area where the Cricket Club is in Toronto, you’ll know what I mean. Please always keep your doors locked, Yuzu.)
All black clothing.
(Subtext: Don’t worry. I’m still able to get Woolite Darks detergent through Kroger ClickList.)
I’m sorry for all of us that were holding out for the purple pants of sin, but I’ll take Yuzu in all black every time he wants to give it to me. The zipper was close enough to an exacting seam of white…but only because we’re in a pandemic and it’s desperate times. I’m gonna need you to get the full on UA white seam out of that load of darks soon, Yuz.
And skating.
(Subtext: Surprised?)
Some people were disappointed. They had really hoped the time had come when he would peel back the veil and show him playing Monopoly at the kitchen table with his family or going through his manga collection. Subtle tweets started appearing: “We don’t always have to see you skating, Yuzu. You can just share with us your daily routine.” Honestly, guys. I think that IS his daily routine. Some of us Zoom call, some of us pack groceries, some of us write grants. Yuzu comes up with the most dramatic way to curl his fingers as he exits a room. And God bless him for this essential work.
*Author’s note: Yes, seriously, a Japanese word for “quarantine” is keneki. Not to be confused with Ken Kaneki, our most beloved Ghoul. But really? Come on now Japanese language…You’ve got to be shitte-ing me.
Yuzuru literally gave us…YUZU IN A BOX. Forget that frail, little ballerina who spun when you opened the jewelry box. She has been upgraded. Now it’s two-time Olympic champion, Winner of Men, Yuzuru Hanyu. At any time of day, you simply have to click on the link and Yuzu will enter the room and spin for you. And trust me when I say he will do it again…and again…and again……..and again. And you don’t even have to worry about his spring breaking. Well, maybe just a little.
While most of us were waiting for another perfectly tactful, positive message of “皆様, 頑張りましょう.” [Let’s do our best, everyone.] with secret hopes of him talking about earphones or demonstrating his watermelon smashing skills, Yuzu was plotting out yet another way to blow our minds. What I wouldn’t give to see his brainstorming list for what he was going to do in this video. I’m sure it was color coded with a multi-color pen.
Green: This is what everyone else is doing.
Orange: This is what my fans expect.
Red: This will rank up there with the “I see you too” GIF.
So yes. Yuzu skated for us. And not just in one video, but three. Because, you know, he’s Yuzu. Go big and #StayHome. He didn’t do it by covering his kitchen floor in dish detergent or ice cubes (which I attempted by dropping my entire ice maker bucket on the floor). No, he skated for us in tennis shoes. And yes, much to the dismay of many fans, he was wearing them (GASP) indoors. Honestly, if he had done the video in bare feet, we would’ve been panicking that he was going to twist an ankle. If he’d done it in toe socks, we would’ve passed out from the preciousness before he even made it to the Romeo and Juliet 1.0 pose which took us down anyway. I do appreciate the determination to find something, anything in a video with white walls and black activewear to analyze and FUH-REAK out over. But if we’re talking about FUH-REAKING, there was something far greater than indoor tennis shoes…
There were (wait for it) 17 different hairstyles. That’s right. Yuzu not only gave us the beginnings from his last 17 programs, he changed his hairstyle to match each one. The moment Yuzu came on the screen for Let’s Go Crazy, you could see it in his eyes, ‘This was what I wrote in red and highlighted in purple. The thing they MOST want to see. And I’m benevolently giving it to them.’ (Let’s Go Crazy, by the way, has gone the way of ShoulderScandal2018. What is your PROBLEM, Prince? I mean, I know Prince is no longer with us, dearly beloved, but whoever put the kibosh on Yuzu being able to even show archival footage of skating to that song needs to get a clue to what a compliment this was instead of getting all stingy stingy because you’re bringing me down way more than the elevator.)
But back to the video gift that keeps on giving. Within minutes, there were new GIFs, sketches, screenshots, comic strips, paint with diamonds templates…even blog posts (shameless plug). I’m sure somewhere, someone has already cut out the pattern for their Pooh bear to have a matching Yuzu Quarantine zip-up jacket. I mean, you thought we were nuts before. Put us in quarantine with nothing but time and the internet and watch us all slick our hair to the side and GO CRAZY.
But it’s not just your average Fanyu who’s been desperate for content. Newspapers in Japan had front page, exclusive stories about Yuzu’s video, the likes which could only be compared to when he won his second Olympics. These were full, multi-page spreads with screenshots from each program. You could probably clip them out and create your own Yuzu flipbook. (Hm. There’s a project for my next Sunday, Monday or MervinFervin Day in quarantine…) Some of the world’s finest photographers were told “Go watch that Twitter video and screenshot a pose from each program. 早く!” [Quickly!] It’s Yuzu in black in a blank room. And one of them will still probably win a Pulitzer for photojournalism. The Olympic Channel put out a picture of a full community ice rink and hid 10 tiny Yuzus amongst the crowd. “How many Hanyus can you find hidden at this ice rink?” This isn’t the Yuzu Japanese Learning Group photoshopping SAUCE across Yuzu’s chest to teach 20 people Katakana. This is THE OLYMPIC CHANNEL. And I hate to break it to them, but we’ve been playing the “How many Hanyus can you find hidden in random kids’ Twitter” for years. Quarantine or not, we got this.
This blog post is featured on the fifth BONUS episode of “Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact” – The FanyuFanme Podcast.
Listen now on SPOTIFY or find it on THESE OTHER PLATFORMS.
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