Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

I wish someone would ask Yuzu about the Quad Axel.

Ok. Obviously, I’m kidding. Because I imagine that by now even Yuzu is getting tired of being asked about that jump.  

It’s like Yuzu is driving a car to Quad Axel Land and all of the Media are piled in the back yelling, “Are we there yet?” every three seconds. 

And, since some of the Media are brats, they’re also kicking the back of his seat while asking. Go ahead, Yuzu. Tell them if they don’t stop asking, you’re going to turn this competition around and go home.

I mean, where do they plan on being when he lands this jump? In the gas station buying Funyuns? Man. I just realized I’ve been missing out on making a Fanyuns-Funyuns reference all this time…  But seriously. If he does it, he did it. If he doesn’t, he didn’t. Aren’t you planning on watching? Sorta seems like that might be part of your job description.

But this never ending barrage of the SAME QUESTION is a constant reminder of the pressure Yuzu is under to do this incredible feat. I mean, Yuzu is under intense pressure for his upcoming hairstyles alone. Remember being stressed out about your school picture day? That picture was going to be slapped in some county’s yearbook only to end up in the basement of 300 students who only opened the book to see their own lousy picture. Yuzu’s “school picture day” will be immortalized in newspapers, posters, photo books, calendars, sides of buildings, cosmetics boxes and rice fields…many of which will be framed, mounted and cherished in people’s homes all over the world for years and years. Trust me. I have four Yuzu Ghana files framed on my wall and those aren’t going anywhere. 

So while you may always remember that you cut your own bangs before your fourth grade picture day, at least your photo didn’t end up as “October” on cubicle desks world over.

Now, take all that pressure for a mere use of hair gel and apply it to trying to do one of the most impossible physical feats in the history of humanness.  

I bet there are days when Yuzu really wishes he had never said he would do this jump…at least out loud. And not because he doesn’t actually want to do it. I think he probably has significantly less interest in talking about it than actually doing it. Maybe he should’ve said he was going to challenge the Quad イヤホン [earphones]. Because we KNOW he likes talking about those. It struck me when listening to Yuzu’s sharp detour from the soothing, whisper Sekkisei beauty blog voice into an animated and lively earphone love gush that Yuzu is with earphones the way we Fanyus are with Yuzu.  Don’t mention him if you aren’t prepared for what it will trigger. Yuzu isn’t a small talk subject. Ask me about him while we’re in an elevator together and I’m going to need to hit the emergency stop button to give us enough time. It’s just how it is. 

But back to our road trip to Quad Axel Land. If the Media are the ones kicking the back of Yuzu’s seat, the ISU is the one sitting in the front constantly messing with the GPS. Because they are less concerned about IF Yuzu is going to land the Quad Axel and more concerned with how to SCREW HIM once he does. How. Stupid. Can. You. Be? Yuzuru Hanyu, the Greatest Figure Skater of ALL TIME has not yet (to our knowledge, though I have my suspicions) landed this jump. YU-ZU-RU HAN-YU. Even once he lands it (which he WILL), NO ONE will ever land it again. And you think it is only worth a minimal point increase? I could get really creative here with plays on the U in ISU, but instead I will try to take a productive and healthy approach with two suggestions for Yuzu:  

1. Once you retire (though please don’t ever), I recommend you continue (with wings) your career by having your own Yuzu World Tour Ice Shows as has been suggested by many brilliant Fanyus. Perhaps this could be the Winnies of the Fowest World Tour. Regardless of the name, the single most important factor is that they are always-ALWAYS-presented and televised directly opposite the ISU Competitions.  
2. When you land the Quad Axel at a competition, no matter when it happens, I think you should simply stop in the middle of the program and leave the ice. Just grab Pooh-san and leave the arena. “I don’t need a score. Peace out.” Then, you and your new friend, the Quad Axel, can drive home in sweet “SO THERE I DID IT” satisfaction while the Media catches an Uber and the ISU pukes in their bag of Funyuns.

Now, as we are in the thick of the Japan Nationals, we find ourselves waiting for Yuzu’s appearance far more than Santa’s. (But please still come, Santa…we’ve asked for several Yuzu goods.) I think many of us Fanyus figured (figured-skated?) there was no way Yuzu would attempt the Quad Axel after coming off of an injury whose seriousness was heavily obscured in vagueness. I’m sure I’m not the only Fanyu who watched Yuzu walk into the Draw and–once I was able to pull myself away from another edition of Hanyu Suit 魔法 [magic]-couldn’t take my eyes off his right ankle as I tried to determine if he was walking totally fine or not. P.S. Nice shoes, Yuzu.

But then he threw down the We Love Irene gauntlet (as Yuzu tends to do) and announced that he was going to attempt the Quad Axel in his official practices and Free Program. Once I peel myself up off the floor, I’ll hand your glove back to you, Yuzu. Do I want Yuzu to land the Quad Axel? More than anything! Do I think he will? You know it! Did I kiiiiiinda want to just enjoy a non-nerve shattering Christmas return of Yuzu and then worry about the Quad Axel once the Olympics rolled around (because those are gonna do me in anyway)? Sorta. But if this is what Yuzu wants for Christmas (obviously) then bring it on, Santa.

I love one of the Fanyu Theories floating around that Yuzu said this in his interview to warn the Fanyus that it was coming. Perhaps it’s because he remembers what happened the last time he started throwing down Quad Axel attempts in an official practice. All the Fanyus watched in horror as if their beloved puppy had wandered out into rush hour traffic (or, even worse, TORONTO rush hour traffic, because DANG that madness rivals L.A. and NYC in an epic way). Every single one of us wanted to run out onto the rink and scoop him up before something really awful happened. Shuzo-san even tried to take his folding chair with him! So, thank you, Yuzu, for at least giving us the warning that our hot chocolate might need to be replaced with a paper bag for hyperventilation as we watch you this Christmas. 

I hope it’s not too late to ask Santa to leave nerves of steel in my stocking…right after the elves finish wrapping Yuzu’s Quad Axel.

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And speaking of Christmas…

“Happy Merry Christmas” from FanyuFanme!

To all the Fanyus near, far and in between (because we are EVERYWHERE), we hope your holidays bring you (and Yuzu!) everything you dream of.