THERE’S (still) A GLOBAL PANDEMIC…AND I (still) LOVE YUZU.
Yes, I still love Yuzu, even though he didn’t (completely) land the 4A at the Japan Nationals.
It was a historic and festive week in Figure Skating Land as we all welcomed Yuzu back from injury (and apparently also an illness of which we were mercifully left in the dark about until he was better).
And Yuzu didn’t just show up to the Christmas party at the last minute (well, kinda). But at least he didn’t come empty handed. He didn’t even plan on re-gifting his “Let Me Entertain You” costume. No, Yuzu arrived at the door wearing his Ghana red scarf and with an armload of perfectly wrapped packages (and a few wardrobe bags), asking when we were going to gather around the tree and unwrap the gifts.
What was in the very first box? Oh, nothing much. Just THE QUAD AXEL.
The competition hadn’t even started. It was the FIRST PRACTICE. And before we knew it, we Fanyus found ourselves asking each other, “What were you doing when Yuzu nearly landed the 4A?” Some of us were baking (and, subsequently burning) Christmas cookies. Some of us were finishing pre-holiday work at the office. Some of us were on our couches watching Twitter for a Yuzu crumb photo, only to be jolted off our ottomans with tweets of “Yuzuru Hanyu has just landed the 4A.” Later, Fanyu tweets of life’s regrets started rolling in. “I didn’t think anything was going to happen.” “I figured it was just a practice.” “I don’t know what I’ll do if he lands the 4A in a competition.”
But the real question is:
What will you do if Yuzu DOESN’T land the 4A?
Because this is where your true Fanyu colors shine through. Are you a pink, Haru yo Koi sleeve–sheer and treacherously primed to rip at the slightest snag? Or are you purple, LGC pants of sin that will cling to Yuzu for dear life no matter how he knee-slides across the ice?
My point is…
Hasn’t he already done enough? Isn’t HE already enough?
I can’t lie. As much as I really want Yuzu to accomplish this feat and achieve his dream, I’ve been a little selfish regarding how soon I want this to happen. It’s like having a friend apply for a job on the other side of the world. You hope they get what they want, but you don’t want to lose them. This is how I have been feeling about Yuzu and the 4A. I want this dream to come true for him more than anything, but I only want it a Sekkisei-Beauty-Blog-whisper more than I want to keep watching him skate for as long as possible.
But then…I spent an hour with Yuzu in the backstage warm-up area before the Free Skate at the Japan Nationals, and after that, no amount of selfishness could’ve prevented me from desperately wanting him to land it…immediately. Obviously, I don’t mean I was REALLY with Yuzu backstage, but, through the magic of technology, it certainly felt that way. I’ve talked about the wonders of the backstage camera you can move yourself to watch Yuzu no matter where he is in the warm up room (unless of course he’s hiding behind his suitcase…for which I wouldn’t blame him if he did). As I played “Keep Yuzu in the Camera Shot,” I got progressively more concerned. It started low key enough with Yuzu’s unbelievable calm-before-the-storm cool. As he walked back and forth in front of the camera, you could even hear the soles of his shoes squeak.
It was Virtual Reality Yuzu. And THAT is technology I can do something with.
But as the time before the group warm up grew shorter and shorter and other skaters filtered out of the room, we were left with Yuzu. And Yuzu was left with…the 4A. As I watched him pop the jump, and pop the jump, and pace (squeak) and pace (squeak) and scuff the floor and talk to himself, I thought, “This is heartbreaking.” Deep down, we all know this is what Yuzu is doing every day (or in the middle of the night) during his training, but there was something about watching it and hearing it as it was happening.
The real time battle between Yuzu and the 4A, in what felt like a very private argument.
I thought I should excuse myself, saying, “I think I need to give you two a minute alone.”
But I think maybe Yuzu and the 4A have been alone together for too long. The problem is, they aren’t really alone. There’s another set of squeaky shoes in the room…and they belong to EXPECTATION. On the left foot is the world’s expectations. On the right foot (of course) is Yuzu’s.
I’ve never been more struck by how fine the line is between support and pressure. And I’ve never had a more difficult time trying to navigate it. I don’t think I’m the only Fanyu currently trying to perfect this skill.
On one hand, I’m completely and totally concerned for Yuzu’s health, safety and sanity if he keeps this up much longer. It worries me that our support has crossed over the line into pressure…if not knocking on the door of unreasonable and inhumane pressure. Comments about how he is perfect so he is definitely going to land it and definitely going to win the Olympics. (We do remember one of those things is completely out of his hands and in the hands of pure evil; right?) Statements that Yuzu is the only person who could ever land it, so he has to do it. Of COURSE he is the only person who could ever land it…but does that mean he’s required to kill himself in doing so? The more pictures that surface of a clearly distressed and exhausted Yuzu, the more I want to yell “Look at what we’re doing to Yuzu!” And then hearing Yuzu use words like “broken” and “scared” and “frantic”…I want to yell, “STOP!”
But on the other hand, I want to yell “STOP!” at all the people yelling at Yuzu to “STOP!” I want Yuzu to get absolutely every single thing he wants. And, like Pooh-san, I trust Yuzu. Is there a more conscientious, thoughtful, informed person when it comes to figure skating (or, truly, anything at all)? Who knows figure skating and its physiology better than Yuzu?
I mean, if I sprained my figure skating and you told me to go see a specialist, I would try to schedule an appointment with Dr. Hanyu. (I think I’ll give us all a second with that one…)
Who am I to tell him what he should be doing? I would never claim to have the knowledge to coach him on HOW to do it, so what makes me think I have the knowledge to tell him IF he should do it? If he wants to achieve it, let him do it. It’s just up to us to stand rink side holding his skate guards and yelling “頑張ってゆづ! [Do your best, Yuzu!]”
…and possibly gently encouraging the use of a helmet.
But this balancing act between support and pressure is dividing the Fanyus. And even when thinking about this blog, I’ve been conflicted. How do I express that I care enough about Yuzu to want him to release himself from this demand…but that I care enough about Yuzu to support him in doing what he wants? It’s slippery, and I just hope I don’t fall and starfish across the ice only to skid to a stop at Yuzu’s feet. Wait. I might be okay with that…but I think you know what I mean. All that’s left to do is to say,
“I love you, Yuzu. I support you 100%. Win, lose or 4A.”
I also still love Yuzu…even when his costume is blue. I was appalled at some of the reactions rolling in mere seconds after his new Short Program costume was revealed…despite it not being in the usual “unjacketing” ritual. There were demands for him to “explain” himself…uses of the words “hideous”…
1) Yuzu doesn’t have to explain himself to anyone…much less about what he chooses to wear.
2) No piece of clothing or hairstyle could ever warrant using the word “hideous” when it relates to Yuzu.
3) If you’re this horrified, do us all a favor and move along. There are other certain figure skaters wearing mustard splats. I’m sure there’s plenty of room at his picnic table.
Most of all, this is YUZU. If you claim to be a fan, please behave like one. If you had a friend who bought a new dress you thought was awful and they asked you what you thought, you’d try to be kind. You might say, “You know, you looked really great in the dark purple one,” or “I think I’d like it better without the choker.” You wouldn’t tell them to their face they look “hideous.” And you do realize this is essentially what you’re doing to Yuzu, just behind a social media mask. On top of everything else he’s dealing with, does he reallllly need to see this kind of petty hate from his own fans as he rides back to the hotel after pounding his soul into the ice trying to live up to our expectations of him?
To be clear…I’m not saying you can’t have an opinion. I’m saying you have to have decency. Did we learn nothing from the Khaki Suit of Sin?
Was I hoping for something very different? Yes.
Did I envision a dramatic red Masquerade-esque costume? Yes.
Did it only take one beautiful picture of Yuzu in that Rondo costume before I was on Team ChokerTonalStellata? YES. (I am SO there now, Yuzu. SO. THERE.)
Best of all, I love that he chose to wear that costume for the opening of the Medalists on Ice Gala. “Soooo, you hated my new costume? Well, guess what? Here it is again.” While it wouldn’t bother me at all to think that he did it out of spite, I know that is incredibly unlikely motivation for why he wore it. I think it was probably more like trying to sell someone a car. “Are you SURE you don’t want to test drive this one again?” He knows he wears that costume beautifully and that it’s just taking some of us a little longer to see than others. Don’t worry, Yuzu. I’m sure they’ll come around eventually. Maybe if you throw in a complimentary set of floor mats…
Most importantly, Yuzu NEEDS us right now. Whether you think he’s skating too close to the 4A hole or not, when he reaches out a hand for help, you give it! You don’t just look down at him in the hole and say, “I told you going near that hole was a bad idea…P.S. Your costume is UGLY.”
No, you GIVE HIM YOUR DANG HAND.
In fact, I feel like we need to start a Fanyu signup list of who is making Chicken Noodle Gyoza for Yuzu each day between now and the Olympics, because Yuzu needs all the TLC he can get over the next month to prepare for what is coming. And he’s not the only one. You know who else needs some serious preparation time? THE FANYUS.
CloneMe shared the announcement of Yuzu’s Beijing Olympic attendance with the comment “We only have one month to mentally prepare for this.” My response? “1000 years wouldn’t be enough time to mentally prepare for this.” Before I even knew for sure that Yuzu was going, I had been watching television and saw the Olympic Rings under the NBC logo. “Why are those there?” I asked. And then it hit me. The Olympics are coming. And not just the Olympics, the WINTER Olympics. And not just the Winter Olympics, the Winter Olympics after the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics…the THIRD CONSECUTIVE Winter Olympics…and you all know what I’m alluding to by using the words “THIRD CONSECUTIVE”…and I suddenly feel like throwing up.
But here we are. 4 years after the Pyeongchang Olympics, and as we head into 2022, we’re starting to sound a bit like Sesame Street:
“This year is brought to you by the number 4 and the letter A.”
It’s a number and a letter. But put it on a piece of paper, hand it to the ISU and it becomes something else entirely.
While it might become a dream, a hope, an expectation, a challenge, a fear…one thing it doesn’t become is an eraser.
Without the 4A, Yuzu is still the Yuzu who won two consecutive Olympic gold medals.
Without the 4A, Yuzu is still the Yuzu who sent us into dark corners after “Masquerade” and “Blinding Lights.”
Without the 4A, Yuzu is still the Yuzu who apologized to a pair of gloves for almost forgetting them in the Kiss & Cry.
Without the 4A, Yuzu is still the Yuzu who is skating FOR US.
So Yuzu, no matter what number is in front of that letter, you are still Yuzu. And we love you. No matter the score, the jump or the costume, we love you because you are Yuzu. And you are already (and will always be) enough. But for now…
Here. Take my hand.
This blog post is featured on the very first BONUS episode of “Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact” – The FanyuFanme Podcast.
Listen now on SPOTIFY or find it on THESE OTHER PLATFORMS.
Look out, 2022. Yuzu and the Fanyus are coming for you…
