Gacha Yuzu
No matter which option you select on the “Should Yuzu still skate in Fantasy on Ice?” Twitter poll, one thing is undeniable: We all love getting a new Yuzu to play with out of the FaOI Gacha machine. And we don’t just play with him.
We take his picture.
We give him nicknames.
We get his theme song stuck in our heads. (Come on, Baby, I’m from “A-mer-i-ca” and I still don’t want to hear that song at least four hours before trying to sleep.)
We see just how poseable he can be. (Answer? VERY.)
We find new accessories of his to buy. (Though it might be time we consider drawing a line somewhere. Selling out his favorite Sendai snack is one thing. Selling out his underwear is another.)
We pull his string to hear his new catchphrases (“So so…”).
And we introduce him to all the other Yuzus we have on our shelves from past FaOI seasons. “If-chan, meet ButterWings Yuzu.” (Please tell me we still remember ButterWings Yuzu.)
With each performance, we insert another 300円 [yen] into the machine and turn the hand crank. Which Yuzu do you want to collect?
The “Look, 母 [Mom], no hands!” Hydroblade Yuzu?
The Mesh Yuzu? (Parental guidance recommended.)
The (wildly popular) Kitty Yuzu?
The Yuzu with the removable jacket?
The “So So” Yuzu? (Though we all know a “So So” Yuzu has never been produced.)
Because there is no way a “So So” Yuzu could skate Yuzu’s new program from Tour A. In fact, Yuzu’s new program shouldn’t be called “IF.” It should be called “HOW?” There are so many moments in this program that basic human physiology should prevent Yuzu from being able to do – regardless of his GOAT-ness.
Let’s get real for a minute. Yuzu gives us more IN THE DARK BEFORE HIS PROGRAM than most (I’d really like to use the word “any”…) other skaters give us in their entire program. The jumps, the speed, the forever long camel spin before the lights even come up. Not to mention the difficulty of getting UP off the ice from being in a full split. I mean, COME. ON. (Baby…A-mer-i-ca…)
“If” has required me to start making up my own names for Yuzu’s choreography. Gone are the days of just calling moves by their textbook figure skating names: hydroblade, spread eagle, Ina Bauer, Biellmann spin, Besti… Now it’s The Toy Soldier, The Standing Starfish, The Fedora Hold, The Yuzu in a Box (not to be confused with THIS Yuzu in a Box), The Scarecrow, The Angst, The Handcuffs, The Hurdle Leap, The Ashura-chan (this is where the move naming goes meta), The Spinning Arm Caress and, my personal favorite, The WHATTHECRAP (which Yuzu has so perfected that it should be renamed “The Hanyu WHATTHECRAP”). I think you know which new move I’m talking about. What keeps him from not just flopping over backwards? Gravity saying “Hold up. That’s Yuzuru Hanyu. He gets a pass.” THAT’S what.
But of all the amazing choreography in “If,” I am most mesmerized by the simplest: when Yuzu briefly puts a 優しい [gentle] hand to his face. And not in a badass “Masquerade” or “Blinding Lights” way. In a “I’m suddenly too shy to skate this program” way. WHY DO YOU DO THAT, YUZU? Wait. Don’t tell me. The mystery only adds to the allure. I save the picture of that moment every single time I see it. My phone has probably just defaulted to auto-save when I scroll past it now. Yuzu would probably be amazed to hear that this subtle gesture was so beloved despite him giving us so many physically demanding moves in that program. He probably thinks, “It’s a heck of a lot easier to put my hand to my face than to do the splits.” Then again, it’s Yuzu. He has said himself, “Well, it’s not easy but for me it is.” (P.S. I hope someday I get a Yuzu out of the Gacha machine who uses the word “heck” in a catchphrase when you pull his string.)
And while I admit that FaOI group number choreography is infamously frustrating, I appreciate that following Yuzu’s (mysteriously underplayed) first entrance in the opening in Makuhari, he literally SKATES A CIRCLE around the other skaters before his jump. Way to take something Yuzu has been doing metaphorically and put it into a literal, physical translation, David Wilson.
One of the best parts of this year’s FaOI set of New Yuzus is that the front of the machines have now added the “As seen at the Tokyo Dome!” stamp. And this makes my Fanyu heart swell with pride. I absolutely love that the Tokyo Dome has been added to Yuzu’s illustrious introduction (that in all honestly could go on for the entire length of the show if we wanted to list off everything worth listing – should we add “Savior of Sendai Sweet Shops” to the list?). Just as his constant companion GIFT tote told us during Stars on Ice, this announcement relays the message we all want to hear from Yuzu, “GIFT was special to me.” It was to us too, Yuzu.
The good news is that no matter which Yuzu pops out of the plastic Gacha ball (I’m personally still trying to collect the Haku in UA Yuzu), you know he’s going to look amazing in his costume. And who do we have to thank for this? YUZU. It must be great fun to be a costume designer who knows that no matter what you create, your design will appear BRILLIANT…on one person. It might be a good idea for the FaOI costume designers to start by sketching for the lowest common denominator, not the highest…EVER.
Admittedly, they did give us Black Lace Sleeve Yuzu in FaOI 2022. And for this I am forever grateful. That and the half-cape, tie-dyed scarf thing that let Yuzu go extra wild on Cruel Angel’s Thesis in 2017. Though I do think their real paycheck is coming from the Earthy Fanyus. In the case of FaOI, the designer giveth fabric…and then the designer taketh fabric away…and covereth with mesh.
Regardless, it only takes a second for us to quickly get on board with every year’s costumes. Wuzzle hoodie? Sequin jacket? Colonel Sanders neck ribbon? 1980s Malibu Ken colorblock hoodie? It doesn’t matter. We see them and think “That costume is horrib – ooooo so sexy Yuzuuuuuuu!” This is just what Yuzu does to us. We Fanyus can’t help but be suggestible. (This could explain why I now own a Dr. Pepper T-shirt…and am trying to figure out how to add a striped furry hood to it.)
But no matter how many Gacha Yuzus we have in our collections, every Fanyu hopes the FaOI Gacha machine will award them with The Happy Yuzu. And as long as we know he’s in that machine somewhere, we’ll keep turning the hand crank, because he’s the most sought after Yuzu of them all.
