Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Yuzu’s Four Minute Ice Show

Author’s Note: Ice Shows are Ice Shows. Yuzu is Yuzu. And unless the Ice Show IS Yuzu’s, there’s just no comparison. 

Before Phantom. Before Ashura-chan. Before One Summer’s Day and before those four piano notes that now rival the seven notes of a certain “Blinding” opening number…there was skepticism about what Stars on Ice (SOI) 2023 would bring us. We knew it wouldn’t be a GIFT. We knew it wouldn’t be a Starry Night. Ultimately, as suspected, it wasn’t SOI that brought us anything at all. It was only from Yuzu.

On the first night, it seemed the show was delayed in starting. And I couldn’t help but imagine (with glee) Yuzu asking the backstage crew where his Phoenix Lift was and then saying, “You know what, never mind. I’m good. Y’all have fun.” 

But thank goodness he didn’t!

That first, one minute was worth the entire tour (all three cities!). Not only that, but Yuzu has now increased his efficiency in how much time he needs to completely wow us. Who needs four minutes? Who needs three minutes? Yuzu said, “Hand me a vest and hold my Dr. Pepper.” (P.S. If you’ve been with FanyuFanme from the “origin” you may remember I once fantasized about “Yuzu in a vest” – an additional half layer in the multi-layered sexy Yuzu phenomenon. And yes, it was just as satisfying as I had imagined.) I would’ve been perfectly content with the stream putting that one minute on loop until it was time for Yuzu to skate again. I can think of far less pleasant ways to spend those following 90 minutes, and I think anyone else who watched SOI can agree. Far less pleasant ways. (For the sake of kindness, we’ll leave it kindly at that.) Though I wouldn’t have expected Yuzu to ACTUALLY skate that one minute 90 times in a row, because the work up to the final spin is…intense…enough just once. Newly tapped stamina or not.

The thing is, Yuzu now has so.much.stamina he doesn’t know what to do with it. Skate one minute, sit backstage eating ChocoPies for an hour and a half (obviously I know this isn’t true) and then appear for a single, three-minute program. He is spinning like a top (literally) because he has so much energy. I think he needs a Yuzu voltage adapter to make sure he doesn’t fry the “other” ice shows’ sockets. Perhaps that’s why he was always skating in the dark – the second he plugged in Ashura-chan, the arena blew a fuse – or should I say – a “Yuz.” (Bad, I know.)

They could’ve at least given him a light bracelet. He would’ve artistically lit the heck out of himself with one of those.

Before we go any further, I have to be completely honest about something. We’re all friends here…and hopefully it will remain that way after I say this: I am not a huge fan of Phantom. (Please keep reading.) 

I know Phantom holds an incredibly special place in many Fanyus’ hearts. 

I know Phantom holds an incredibly significant moment in Yuzu history. 

I know Phantom holds an incredibly painful set of memories for Yuzu.

And while I consider myself truly lucky to have witnessed its return at GIFT, I do not find myself driven to gush about it the way I do about, say, R&J 1.0. You can’t have “favorites” if you love them all equally, and I (quite openly!) have favorites. Are there moments in Phantom I love? Of course! The way Yuzu cuts off the note for the singer. The hand to his face (every time he does it). And the new favorite from Osaka when he inexplicably shakes his head (thank you to my Fanyu friend for pointing out this gem to me. Gosh, I’d love to know what you were thinking, Yuzu.) But, my main affinity for this program is that it is a close cousin to the Yuzu Mic Drop that is Masquerade. I feel I owe a debt of gratitude to Phantom for showing Yuzu just what putting his hand to his face does for us. (Boy, does it.) And the fact that the Phantom hairstyle, once combined with spectacular jump after spectacular jump after unbelievable spin, nearly gets us to Balenciaga Ad Yuzu Hair. But, when it came time to write about everything Yuzu brought us during SOI, I feared I wasn’t going to have anything to say about Phantom – and that you would all think I was (let’s go) crazy. So I rewatched each SOI Phantom performance (multiple times – difficult research, I know…). And then it struck me like a falling chandelier. The thing about Phantom that brought me true joy: the look of relief on Yuzu’s face when he finished it. You are conquering all your Phantoms, one by one, Yuzu. Thank you for letting us be there to share it with you. We’ll also be there for you if you ever decide to conquer your red pepper trauma. Just name the time, place and YouTube channel. But to all the Fanyus who love Phantom, please keep loving it on my behalf.

I get it. (But not like I get R&J 1.0.) 

There is nothing more satisfying than when Yuzu is satisfied with himself. And this wasn’t only after Phantom. After the Osaka performance of Ashura-chan (I have never been so thrilled to see a red shirt and blue tie come out onto the ice) it was clear that Yuzu was high on being Yuzu. He knew he was the shizzle (fo rizzle). He had every reason (レゾン [Raison]?) to feel that way. Osaka’s performance of Ashura-chan was as out of control as could be possible while still under Yuzu’s control. Though I wasn’t sure even Yuzu hadn’t unhinged when he did his “barrel roll” across the ice. My first thoughts were 1) I hope Yuzu didn’t hurt himself and 2) I hope they caught all of that on the slow motion camera.

He knew he was on fire, so he decided to stop, drop and roll. I hate to break it to you, Yuzu, but that did nothing to put out the flames.

Ashura-chan also taught me some valuable Fanyu lessons. First, I never knew how much I needed to see Yuzu “skip, skip, skip” on ice – but now I don’t know how I lived without it for so long. (Related – I also don’t know how the front row survived Yuzu’s “one-leg-hopping, what-do-you-think-of-me-now, shoulder-shake pass-by.” That one has been added to the Hanyu History Book of Endearment.) Second, no one can choreograph Yuzu like Yuzu choreographs Yuzu. And third, no one can keep up with Yuzu…but Yuzu. 

And no one knows this better than the cameramen and video director of SOI Yokohama. It started out okay (someone even remembered to turn on the lights!) but it eventually spiraled into full-on desperation. It’s alright, Cameraman-san. We Fanyus feel like we’ve lost control of Yuzu by the time we reach the finish of Ashura-chan too. During this most insanely high-paced program in the history of figure skating (now even Change feels like a ballad!) it literally felt like Yuzu was being chased…with no chance of being caught.

“Cut to camera 1 – I mean 4 – I mean 1 – which way is he – camera 2 – now 4 – where did – he’s rolling on the ice? Doesn’t that hurt? – camera 1 again! – is it too late to add a camera 5? – Just pick a shot and maybe he’ll be in it!”

We appreciate trying to get close shots of Yuzu – truly – but I think many of us found ourselves screaming the one phrase we never thought we’d shout during a Yuzu performance: “Just cut to a wide shot! A wide shot!!” To be fair, you probably would’ve needed a week of tech rehearsals to call those cues fast enough to pick up Yuzu before you’ve missed picking up Yuzu. Because we know Ashura-chan is a bit…mischievous. I love that when this program first made its debut, the initial reaction (for those of us who are not fluent in Japanese) was “Oh, look how cute and fun Yuzu is!” Then, after reading the translation of the lyrics, it quickly turned to “Uhhh. Still yes to all of that, but also…Yuzu is SAYIN SUMTHIN.” Now, fluent in Japanese or not, the message is coming through loud and clear, Yuzu.

We “understand.” And, well said.

And then.

There is.

One.

Summer’s.

Day.

The Oshu performance of One Summer’s Day (aka “Haku” – of which it will henceforth be called for ease) contains a truly special moment (and I’m not talking about the most beautiful costume malfunction since “Kuyashii sleeve” in CiONTU – which we’ll get to later). I’m talking about the rare moment where we finally witness Yuzu ACTUALLY casting his spell on us. We’ve always known he does this with his programs, but now we have physical proof of what that looks like in the first nine seconds of Haku. (Which also explains why I feel my soul leaving my body in those first nine seconds.)

It was right before this magical nine seconds that Yuzu appeared to notice the rogue fabric piece on his costume. And you can see him thinking, ‘Ok, so this is a thing I get to deal with for the next three minutes.’ But, in typical Yuzu fashion, he didn’t “deal” with it, he “created” with it. If I get my scarf tangled, I have to stop everything I’m doing and sit down and sort it out – much less effortlessly remove it in the middle of a Besti. (I know that’s not what he was doing when he removed it, but it’s funnier to say that and I’ll never pass up an opportunity to summon the mental image of Yuzu doing a Besti – particularly the one from this program.)

Great Googly Ghibli Moogly, Yuzu.

But Yuzu turned this traitorous piece of fabric into an integral “I-totally-meant-for-this-to-happen” costume enhancement. By the time he got it wrapped around his neck like a couture scarf on a spring day I burst into applause…alone in my living room.

Yuzu has once again set a new bar in figure skating: Accessorizing Yourself Mid-Jump. 

But this has raised a new question: Why had we never thought to have Ribbon Dancer Yuzu before? Imagine Yuzu sitting at home on his futon with scarves and neckties (not the Ashura-chan one – もちろん [of course]) tied around his waist, image training for this program. 

Haku is officially my new Fanyu Safe Place. Like Haru yo koi and Hana wa saku, from the moment it starts, something inside of me says, “Everything will be ok.” Though now we know all this time, it has actually been Light Side Yuzu whispering to each of us, “大丈夫 [It’s okay]” within these programs. ありがとう [thank you], GIFT, for revealing that to us.

During this program (Can we even call it that? At this point it feels like an insult to use such a pedestrian word…) I also found myself thinking “I hope one day I can see Yuzu perform this in pers-wait.” I still cannot believe I witnessed the debuts of Ashura-chan and Haku in person…on the same night. I’m sure those of us at GIFT knew we were adding them to our “Must See In Person” list…while we were seeing them in person. Going into GIFT, I think we each had our own personal hopes for what we would see, but I hadn’t considered that I would most want to see that which I had never seen before…and SEIMEI. I will forever consider this one of my greatest Fanyu achievements. This, and witnessing in person the Origin 2.0 costume reveal in Toronto. That was one historic jacket unzip.

Also historic was the debut of Yuzu’s newest isolation dance move – revealed to us in his finale entrance after Yokohama’s life-changing performance of Haku. (Seriously, there aren’t even words to describe Yokohama’s Haku. I found myself making sounds I’ve never made before. This is what it has come to. No words. Only sounds. So…that bodes well for this blog…) Yuzu’s “spur of the moment” new dance move looked like something he would’ve done in front of the Skate Rental window at Ice Rink Sendai. (You know what I mean.) And that is probably where he first practiced it one night at 2 AM and thought, ‘Oh, I know just when I’ll drop this.’ Because everything with Yuzu is premeditated. You could see it in his eyes from the moment he tip-toe-picked out onto the ice. He knew what he was getting ready to do. The second it happened, I heard myself say, “Oh no!” I’m not sure if that was for Yuzu or for me. I’ll let you decide. Because you probably have some of your own thoughts you’re still working through on that moment yourselves. がんばってね。 [Do your best.]

It was nice to see Phantom, Ashura-chan and Haku again after GIFT. While I commented on them briefly (ever, ever so briefly if you were Haku or Phantom) in my GIFT post, it is far easier to describe their flavors when you don’t have an entire banquet table full of delectable treats to try tasting all at once – which was GIFT. SOI was more like a visit to a vending machine where option Y111 is the only candy bar ever selected. But I’ll keep going back to that vending machine as long as they keep that slot stocked. SOI also reminded me that “only 4 minutes” of Yuzu still demands to be talked about. And that your entire day can be made by the sighting of a tote bag. Seriously, when I saw the picture of Yuzu at an early SOI practice in his badass long, black jacket and carrying his GIFT tote, my heart melted.

We’re all still at GIFT too, Yuzu.

In fact, it was right after GIFT when I said, “Yuzu, I couldn’t love you more…but you’ll manage to make me.” That moment, shockingly, came during SOI 2023. Yes, there were (Yuzu’s) incredible “show-starting” performances. Yes, there was Yuzu bowling what I’m sure was a strike as he knee-slid into the backstage area after Ashura-chan. And yes, there was the precious (somewhat heartbreaking) tiny “ありがとうございました。[Thank you so much.]” But the part that made me love Yuzu the most was one, mostly obscured moment:

A hand and a red-cuffed, braceleted wrist reaching through a black curtain to touch the ice. Always respectful. Always grateful. Always Yuzu. 

But Yuzu, after your Stars on Ice performances, the ice should’ve touched you and said “ありがとうございました。” You gave it (and all of us) life, with your four minute ice show.