Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Yuzu’s aura eclipsed the Olympics.

The entire universe is going to get sucked into Yuzu’s magnetism. Better yet, the entire universe is going to get sucked into his magnetism…and be HAPPY about it.  

In a miraculous yet completely unsurprising turn of events, Yuzu has become even more glorious in defeat (and I use that term loosely) than in victory. Despite efforts by outside forces and inside unions to downplay his every move, Yuzu has managed to remain unflappable, unrivaled…and undeniable.

Obviously, the Fanyus have continued to be unwavering. But the truly satisfying result of Yuzu’s fourth place finish is that it just proved even more that it isn’t about the points, the score, the medal or the nationality. I love seeing the unenlightened Olympics viewer watch Yuzu and respond with, “What was THAT? I want to follow THAT guy.”

Fanyu Social Media groups grew in numbers. The press had to enter a lottery just to be in the same room as him. (Congrats again to the guy who made the victory fist upon learning he was a winner. We all felt your achievement.) Twitter was filled with (even more than usual) hysterical crying emoji faces from newbie Fanyus who learned they have unintentionally been living a Yuzu-less life up until now. (I feel your pain. I didn’t go “Full Hanyu” until 2018. My recommendation? Try not to think about it. It only makes it worse.) But this is what happens: Yuzu sneaks up on you. It even happened in his own press conference. He entered the room, and, shockingly, the people in the front row didn’t even notice until he was already about 23 minutes into his first bow from the stage. I wanted to shout through the TV, “Look! Yuzu is 3 feet away from you! Turn around or you are going to regret this for the rest of your life!”  

It could be due to the fact that people have a hard time believing Yuzu is real. I get it. When I saw Yuzu in person…wait…let me type that again. When I saw Yuzu in person…it was hard for me to believe too. I’ll never forget the girl beside me pointing and saying, “There is Hanyu.” Three of the most gloriously grouped words I’ve heard in my entire life. They even work backwards, “Hanyu is there.” Either way. I’ll take it. But he has no bravado. No demands of privilege. He just appears. And smiles. And nods. And waves…and waves…and wavey wave waves.  

But as unassuming as Yuzu is, I think his aura may actually be getting out of control. Because it is starting to control, literally, everything. Crowds. Phones. Drones. THE SUN. When I saw the video clip of the sunlight refracting through the press conference lobby windows as Yuzu passed by, I had two thoughts. One, it would’ve taken a motion picture cinematographer days of planning and setup to get that one shot. Two, even the SUN gets it now.  

While we Fanyus often find ourselves overcome with Yuzu Overwhelm, I think it’s even getting to us. Posts about our love for Yuzu are getting comically unhinged. 

“So much sexy hot himself yuzuru hanyu love me.”

“God help banana grill practice song Let Me Entertain You.”

At first I thought these were just more examples of Google Translate’s victims. But then it hit me: No. I think these are just more examples of Yuzu TURNING OUR BRAINS TO MUSH.

Because there were mornings where I got on Twitter to see the newest photos and videos of what past programs Yuzu gifted the universe at his gala practices and I’m quite certain that when I saw he did “SEIMEI,” the exact words out of my mouth were “God help banana grill practice.” After that, my only words were, “Right ankle. Right ankle. Right ankle.” as I sat dumbfounded at all the things Yuzu was doing on an injured right ankle. Any other person would have a hard time limping from the couch to the fridge on a sprained ankle. But Yuzu? He can do the world’s most epic sit twizzle (White Legend, I adore you.) and the “SEIMEI” hydroblade (for which I actually said out loud to no one, “That can’t be a good idea.”)…oh, and a triple Axel. Just, you know, for the heck of it. But Yuzu said “Please let me enjoy it,” and I am there for every second of it. You go right ahead and live your truest banana grill practice, Yuzu. Because we trust you and we love you and we want you to be happy. And the fact that you felt the need to ask us to please let you enjoy something breaks my heart.

But back to Yuzu’s aura…and how it’s gone rogue. While Yuzu may be unassuming as he passes the crowd of every single Olympic volunteer in Beijing gathered to see him (I imagine an entire Curling team standing at the unmanned Olympic Village KFC saying, “Can’t we get a biscuit?”), the moment he’s on the ice, there is a resounding, “LOOK AT ME. I AM YUZURU HANYU.” Especially at the gala practices. There came a point with those that I finally gave up and said, “I don’t even know what’s going on anymore.” More and more footage (but still not enough) of Yuzu skating with unmatched ferocity. By the time he asked one of the world’s luckiest volunteers WHAT THEY WANTED TO SEE…my brain didn’t just turn to mush. It exploded. 

I think all of the Fanyus had a moment of introspection: What would I have said? Romeo and Juliet 1.0? Blinding Lights? Change? I think I would’ve been lucky to simply get out, “YOU” and then, if I had managed to retain consciousness, “…for the REST OF MY LIFE.” I loved reading some of the Earthy Fanyus responses to this introspection. Nice try, Earthyus.

But these gala practices were a spectacular example of what happened to the Olympics after the Free Skate results: they ended. It was like they weren’t even still going on. Other events? Medals? I didn’t notice. And I don’t think much of anyone else did either. 

We were all just hanging out in China with Yuzu for a week.  

We attended his press conference.  

We created his face in the sky.

We watched him practice.  

We followed the crowd.  

We made sure he was eating.  

We worried about his ankle.  

We took photos of him taking photos.  

We bought him souvenirs.  

We put panda hats on him.

It finally struck me the moment I saw him greeting a crowd…in Chinese…

Yuzu became the Mayor of the Olympics. 

And there is no question that we are attempting to elect him for another term…pending his, literal, running mate: 右足首-さん [Mr. Right Ankle]. In fact, I’ve already informed all my friends and family that (if all goes to plan) it may be another four years before they see me again…and I’m asking that they please let me enjoy it.

Because, medal or not, Yuzu was still the most impressive HUMAN at the Olympics which his aura eclipsed.

Eclipsed? Enveloped? Commandeered? Overtook? Devoured?

Pick whichever verb you prefer. 

As for me, I’m going with…

SAVED.