Yuzuru has given me a gift.
That’s right. He might as well have brought it over from Japan and handed it to me with his own two (gloved) hands. And while it wasn’t the Maltese Falcon or one of the Emperor’s daughters (because some things you can’t re-gift without it looking tacky), I cherish it deeply. Best of all, it is something we can share–for many years to come–no matter whether we are together or not. What is this magical, intercontinental token of commitment? Panic.
Now, it’s possible you know someone who has experienced panic. It’s possible you have experienced panic. What is not possible is that your panic has manifested in the same way as my and Yuzu’s panic.
I have struggled with anxiety for the past several years, and while I know lots of other people who have (or at least claim to), I have never seen what I feel so clearly mirrored in another human being as I do in Yuzu. There is a C.S. Lewis quote that says, “What? You too? I thought I was the only one.” Nailed it, C.S. Nailed it. Despite knowing C.S. Lewis was probably not prognosticating about a girl and her imaginary Japanese figure skating boyfriend nearly fifty years in the future, I am still reminded of this quote every time I see Yuzu FUH-REAKING OUT. And it’s not that he’s doing anything that obvious. In fact, many people completely misconstrue what is going on in the moment. “Look how focused he is!” “He’s such a psycho!” “What a competitor!” Yes, all true; however, what you are seeing is actually very thinly veiled panic. I’ve been there. I know it. It is a close companion. And THAT, my friends, is what it looks like.
Unfortunately, I am incapable of masking my panic as well as Yuzu does. It would be amazing if when I was having a panic attack, people would be inspired by my strength and focus and warrior-ness. As it stands, my moments of panic are responded to by my coworkers leaving pieces of chocolate cake on my desk to help me deal. And since I can’t stand up from my desk and start lip syncing and jumping up and down in the middle of cubicle-land, I have to stick with the calming, gifted, chocolate cake. But that doesn’t seem like it would work for Yuzu. He sticks with his system, and I stick with mine. As with all things, Yuzu Knows Best. Wow. If only we could have a 1950s sitcom starring Yuzu…because we all know he would look just as stunning in black and white as he does wearing black and white.
Though I know what you’re thinking…Yuzu has a little bit more pressure on him every day than I do. But you know what? It don’t feel like it! When I see Yuzu pacing and massaging his face or clinging to Pooh-san like a life preserver or frantically wringing his hands while gasping for air with a horrified look on his face (ok, maybe in that moment his panic veil was extra thin), I think ‘You and me both, Yuz. You and me both.’ In fact, pictures of Yuzu in these varying degrees of panic have started to serve as a type of panic-ometer for my days:
Frustrating and defeating day at work? Yuzu with his head on the table at a press conference.
Really, really horrible day at work? Yuzu jamming the palms of his hands into his eyeballs.
For the love of all that is good please get me out of this work day alive? Yuzu wringing-hands-look-of-horror face.
My mom and sister have gotten used to my Yuzu Tableaux de Panique (oui [yes], Yuzu also speaks a tiny bit of French). I think this method is pretty effective. Granted, my sister messaged me that when she looked to see what was taking up all the storage on her phone, she found that it was about 70 of the Yuzu head on the table pic I had texted her one day in the span of oh, say, 8 minutes. My response? How many blaze emojis does that equate to?
Is it weird to be romantically linked to someone through panic? There are stranger things..and you can keep those thoughts to yourself.
But Yuzu’s panic hasn’t just helped me communicate how freaked I am at any given moment. It has also helped me come to terms with it. It makes me feel less alone. I finally know without a shadow of a doubt that I am not the only person who experiences this.
Has all of this gotten rid of my panic? No.
Has it stopped me from panicking? No.
Has it made me not feel like such a freak? YES.
That’s right, people. The imaginary boyfriend has actually LOWERED my freak level.