Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Which. Fanyu. Is he?

Author’s Note: This was written in the summer of 2018; therefore, the timeline and duration of “Yuzuru Hanyu Radio Silence” does not align with any “Yuzuru Hanyu Radio Silence” we are currently enduring. 頑張って, Fanyus!

I’m not sure the Fanyus are going to make it. What are 20,000+ of us to do when we are two weeks into Yuzuru Hanyu Radio Silence and still have over six weeks to go before he officially resurfaces? I can tell you in two words: Fabricate Suspicion. That’s right. When you have no better option, fantasize. And yes, that could be the title of this blog. What are they suspicious of? Infiltration. And not just from anyone. From YUZU.

The Fanyus are rallying around something other than Yuzu’s How-Is-That-Even-Possible-I’m-TELLING-You-He’s-Animated, well-fitted Under Armour training outfit. They have concluded the one thing that could set the entire group ablaze (BLAZE!):

Yuzu is among us.  

Now, don’t get me wrong. There’s always been a handful of people who like to toss this conspiracy theory around. But it was less the general Fanyu populous and more like the random dude in his basement posting “The Moon Landings Were Fake!” while he downs a canister of cheese puffs. Occasionally, someone will post “What if Yuzu is on here? Har har har.” A few people will respond with laughing emoji faces (or the random person who will post the gasp face. Newbie…) and then we’ll go back to playing “Caption This” with a picture of Yuzu clinging to Pooh-san with a horrified look on his face. (The horrified look is on Yuzu’s face. Pooh-san stays pretty chill.) But the fantasizing is spreading. Even the Yuzu montages to lame American pop songs have somewhat subsided. Somewhat. I mean, the guy in the basement has to have something to do when not slandering NASA.

This infiltration notion is only reinforced by the fact that apparently Yuzu’s mind is a steel trap.  

He’s been on countless TV shows where he has made an off-hand remark about how he watches the show. Or at least, saw it when they were talking about him. Almost every time, the host looks agog and stutters, “You saw?” Well, yeah! You were roasting him on Japanese television, what did you think?

I feel the same way when it comes to some of us Fanyus. Some are starting to get really (really) worked up over comments Yuzu has made which allude to his awareness of “Current Yuzu Events” which they, for some reason, think he should be completely oblivious to. They have seen pictures of him with an iPhone; right? (I mean, it’s one of our favorites!!) They know he lives in the same dimension as us; right?  (I know that one’s hard to believe.) They do realize he is the Yuzu in the “Current Yuzu Events”; right?  

Shortly after the Sendai Victory Parade, a contest started on Twitter for the worst photo from the parade or, officially (and more aptly) named, “The Shittily Taken Photos of Hanyu Yuzuru Competition”. Like most Yuzu contests, the prize was touted as self-satisfaction, bragging rights, momentary viral fame or, my favorite prize due to its honesty, NOTHING.  Almost 120,000 people lined the streets of Sendai to try to catch a glimpse of Yuzu on top of a truck. (Yeah, a truck. It gave me anxiety.) You can imagine the quality of some of those photos; hence, the brilliant idea to “reward” (reward with nothing) the worst photo. The best part about this contest was one of its alternate titles: “If I Get Yuzu’s Face in the Picture, I Lose.” Twitter was filled with photos of the back of Yuzu’s head, his leg from the knee down, a lone hand reaching longingly toward some trees (“Winnnnnnie? Are you in the fowest? Can you get me off this truck?”) or, my pick for creativity, the blurry photo of a street lamp and a tree. No Yuzu whatsoever. The caption? Yuzu’s Aura. But my point is not the contest. My point is that there was an interview where a reporter handed Yuzu an iPad showing him photos and referencing the contest. When he replied something to the effect of, “Oh, I knew about this.” The Fanyus LOST. THEIR. して [shi-te]. “He knows about the contest! OMG! Dying!!!” Well, YEAH.  What do you think? He goes home and sticks his head in a bucket of sand? There’s no way his hair would look that good if he did. Pantene isn’t a miracle worker. And sand is forever.

Even this could’ve been forgotten with another truly effective “Caption This” game or a photo of Yuzu’s face created by a Fanyu out of rainbow Twizzlers to distract everyone, but then it happened. The GIF that broke the Yuzuru Hanyu International Fan Group. It shows Yuzu smiling his usual polite, endearing smile that causes a spike in the Japanese economy and cherry blossoms to bloom (both real and animated) as he states, “It’s really amazing that fans can notice and observe all these details.” Big deal; right? But then, he shifts his eyes to look dead into the camera and, smiling an unapologetic smile dripping in hidden meaning, says the five words that stopped 20,000+ hearts:

“I look at you too.”

Five words. Five short, basic words. But Yuzu might as well have thrown a grenade into the middle of the Fanyus. Better yet, a quad axel. Best part? 

He knows.  Exactly.  What he’s doing.

So now that an ironclad, irreversible conclusion has been drawn based on a fan-created and translated GIF, the real fun begins. Which. Fanyu. Is he?

The one posting the obscure ab pictures? That would explain how they were found in the first place…

The one making the creepy Yuzu stuffed dolls? And this comes from someone with a unique situation. But some of them give Schweethart the heebeejeebees.

The one weeping about how beautiful Yuzu’s Japanese is? “It’s too beautiful. I can’t stop crying while I translate it. My keyboard is covered in tears!!”

Or maybe he’s the one making the montages to Adam Lev-Nah.

Or maybe…it’s me…

I’d like to think he’s the Admin who has been driven to one word smackdowns of lame posts.

I imagine him sitting on his couch scrolling through Facebook on his laptop while he eats McDonald’s french fries (because for some reason I crack up if I think of Yuzu eating McDonald’s. In fact, I was at work the first time I had that thought. I couldn’t stop laughing. I kept waiting for someone to ask what was funny so I could answer, “I was just thinking about my Japanese Figure Skater Boyfriend eating McDonald’s.”). But back to Yuzu on the couch. (There’s a happy thought.) He stops on a post about a new 可愛い [cute] video and types with one gusto-filled finger, O-L-D, and then pops another french fry. Oh. And he’s also wearing his glasses in this imaginary scenario because, well, why wouldn’t you put his glasses on him in an imaginary scenario?

Anyway, back to Yuzu’s awareness of Yuzu Events (lest this imaginary scenario makes its way to two sleeping bags and microwaved hot chocolate). If you had magazines and TV shows and websites dedicated to you, wouldn’t you check in on them? I mean, even Arima likes to read his own manga now and then (as long as we skip some of the more traumatizing drawings). Hey. It’s not any different than when you delete an unflattering picture someone tags you in on Facebook.

But while the Fanyus are busy fretting over which one of us is Yuzu (spoiler alert, it’s not me), what I want to know is what were his answers to the fan group essay questions…and how many times did he have to apply before he was finally accepted?