Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

There’s nothing quite like Yuzuru Vague-yu.

Who has been interviewed more than Yuzuru Hanyu? I would venture very few people.

Who has managed to reveal less information in their interviews than Yuzuru Hanyu? NO ONE.

And it is glorious.

Before we dive into this wonderful, vague world Yuzu has been expertly cultivating for years, let’s get a few things straight:

1. I am not saying Yuzu lies.
2. I am not saying Yuzu misleads.
3. I am not saying Yuzu manipulates.

I am talking about Yuzu’s mastery of eloquent elusiveness. He listens so thoughtfully. He explains so thoroughly. (Sometimes to the point of answering one question so prolifically that it ends the press conference in one blow.) I imagine interviewers nodding and nodding, feeling like they are getting the scoop of the century. But then, once they get back to their hotel rooms with their recorders, they realize they have unearthed…nothing.

The 2019 press conference after the unveiling of Yuzu’s Olympic monument in Sendai is a perfect example of this. A reporter asks what is Yuzu’s dream. He immediately jumps (triple Axels?) into speaking about the quad Axel. ‘Ah yes, of course,’ you imagine every reporter thinking. But from the very start, he specifies that the quad Axel “had been” his dream. After a bit of explanation, he pauses, repeating the question and puts on his best “here comes an epiphany” Yuzu thinking face. Not even being in the room, you can still feel every reporter lean in. This is going to be an exclusive! Hanyu-senshu has a new dream! What is it? Coaching? His own brand of earphones? *gasp* Marriage? He smiles the sly Yuzu smile and drops what is bound to be the next newspaper headline around the world: “I think my dream right now is to be the first person to land the quad Axel cleanly at an official competition.” The cameras flash like crazy. Yuzu smiles, nods and gushes gratifications. Eureka! What a moment in the history of journalism.

Wait a minute. Let’s recap.  

Yuzu announced that the quad Axel used to be his dream…but now, his dream is…the quad Axel.

I. Love. This. Person.

Because this is just one moment in a career’s worth of no flash-news flashes flawlessly delivered by Yuzu.

It appears to have started at a young age. I saw an interview with Yuzu from when he was probably about 16 (granted, given the incredible never-aging Yuzu, it’s also possible this interview could’ve been from last week). In the interview, he is asked if he has any dietary requirements. His answer? “I eat when I eat and I don’t eat when I don’t.” And thus, Yuzuru Vague-yu was born. One might say it was Yuzuru Vague-yu’s Origin…minus the fabric feathers and gold and purple beading.

Sometimes he takes the poetic sentence approach: “We’ll only know next season when next season comes.” 

Sometimes he uses the bail method: “I decided yesterday thank you bye bye!”

And if it ever gets dodgy, all he has to do is giggle. It’s like the eject button on his interview fighter jet.

No matter which system he chooses, the outcome is the same: seamless extrication.

After his Free Program at Worlds 2021, every Fanyu was desperate to know if Yuzu was okay. He hadn’t looked well. He hadn’t looked ready. He hadn’t looked…Yuzu. Hours of scouring all the social media platforms for any nugget of information. Any confirmation that Yuzu was really alright. And then, we finally got all the details from Yuzu himself.

Or did we…?

“There were a few small troubles that kept stacking up.” Ah! Fascinating! We can’t wait to hear what those were!

“Ultimately, I think all those small things–” Wait, Yuzu. What small things?

“–ended up making everything fall apart.” Tell us what happened exactly.

“In my mind,” Yes! Your mind is what we want to be let inside!

“…I’m certain of the cause.” Which was?

“Having said that…” What? Having said what? What was said? Was anything said? He’s been talking. Something must’ve been said…

And thus, we have moved on, having Hanyu having said…

…absolutely nothing.

Need we say more? *giggle* 

Author’s Note: A special thanks goes out to all the amazing Fanyu translators who help us see so beautifully Yuzu’s vague poeticism, regardless of our languages.

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