THERE’S A GLOBAL PANDEMIC…and Yuzu is an adult.
Originally released in June 2021, this special 3-part blog series is all about the performance which equates to “HOT DANG, YUZU!” no matter which language is put in Google Translate. You can now read it in its entirety below!
PART ONE
How can you write a blog about Yuzuru Hanyu and not comment on “Blinding Lights” from Stars on Ice?
This was the question I found myself asking when weeks had passed and I still hadn’t written anything about…that.
It seemed everything which could be said, screenshotted and fantasized had already been said, screenshotted and fantasized. But honestly, Yuzu didn’t leave much need for fantasization.
It was reminiscent of what happened the first time we saw Masquerade. (Read more about the paradigm shift that hair sweep caused here.) We all had to take a minute to decide how we were going to handle…that. In fact, before “Blinding Lights,” some of us were still sitting alone in a dark corner dealing with that one. But, this time, we had been semi-warned it was going to be epic: LGC hair, LMEY costume, self proclaimed “not sexy” Yuzu being Super Slam Winner of Sexy. But I still don’t think we were prepared for what happened when we hacked into Yuzu Mission Control to experience it live for ourselves.
I have a confession. When it started, I actually found it a little funny. It was so un-Yuzu. Or maybe that giggling was coming from something else going on deep inside of me. Because it wasn’t long before it became something very much not funny. And once the slow motion replays started surfacing, I found myself thinking, ‘I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now.’ (The answer? Find a new dark corner and watch it again.)
You can’t talk about this performance without giving the biggest shout out to Yonkaiten Pixel for the incredible (life-changing) 4K video compilations (more on those later). Special 感謝 [thanks] also goes out to Japan for being smart enough to know that if Yuzu is going to do…that…you need to have multiple cameras on him the whole time. Thank you, 日本 [Japan]–even for the wide angle shots (for which I usually show little gratitude).
The fact that Yuzu choreographed this (I mean, “that”) himself, makes it even better. Knowing Yuzu’s special brand of particularness, I love imagining him practicing every finger bend, camera look and shoulder roll in the mirror of his hotel room. Room service menu is Camera One. Bathroom door is Camera Two. Suitcase rack is Camera Three. Pooh-san (Camera Four!) is sitting on the edge of the bed…advising that maaaaaaybe eight pelvic thrusts would be too many. But when Yuzu did the Masquerade hand over his eye paired with the smirk of “I know exactly what I’m doing,” Pooh-san gave a definite paws up. Then again, depending on the date stamped on Pooh-san’s tag, this performance may have been too mature for his little stitched eyes.
It is obvious Yuzu dedicated an unbelievable (yet probably very standard for him) amount of time to perfecting every moment of his performance. And, since Yuzu is a photogenic phenomenon, you could freeze any millisecond from any of these camera angles and still have a gallery-worthy photograph. Your average (and even above average) person put on super slow motion is going to have some strange facial expressions or body postures. But with anything-but-average Yuzu, there is not one ugly eye squint, bizarre body twist or unfortunate hair moment (though has there EVER been an unfortunate hair moment for Yuzu? Truly, no).
But before we go any further, I owe Yuzu an official apology. In an earlier blog post about Japan Nationals, I “awarded” him with the “most half-hearted ‘shake your ass’ in the history of ass shaking” award. And while I seriously (SERIOUSLY) doubt Yuzu reads this blog (despite his recently dropped Twitter Mention Bomb), I just have to say: ごめんなさい [Sorry] Yuzu. You have made your point. Full marks for GOE, PCS and OMG. And we didn’t even need Xsens technology to validate.
Read Part Two, where we determine just how much Yuzu and the Fanyus leveled up.
PART TWO
And then, YouTube took down Yonkaiten Pixel’s 18-minute 4K edit like the two-bit tease that it is. Interestingly enough, the 10-minute version managed to hang on for quite a bit longer. Perhaps YouTube thought 18-minutes was too provocative…or that the heart would succumb, sort of like fighter pilots pulling too many Gs and blacking out. Then, they ultimately realized that even 10 minutes of Yuzu doing…that…could still require some type of disclaimer. This is all I have to say to you, YouTube:
“You can take the video down…but it’s still in my mind.”
(And, of course, on multiple storage devices and alternative links because a good Fanyu is always prepared.) So, for my neighbors who hate hearing “Blinding Lights” for 18 minutes solid every night, sorry-not sorry.
In fact, I feel a bit like I’ve been neglecting some of my other usual go-to Yuzus. JSF Skate Forward Yuzu (aka Yuzu in a box). Hana wa Saku Yuzu. Hot chocolate making Yuzu. But they’ll make their comebacks. I mean, let’s be real.
Yuzu wearing the Ghana red apron and oh so carefully pouring the milk into the mug does the same thing for me as the pelvic thrusts.
But “Blinding Lights” is the current Yuzu Perfection Buffet. I can watch it over and over and always find something new. There are so many amazing things going on simultaneously that sometimes I can’t decide which I should be focusing on. The hair? The hands? The face? The…other options. (You know, like the lighting effects.)
There was an interview with Brian after Worlds, where he is quoted as saying that his impression upon finally reuniting with Yuzu at their first practice was that Yuzu “has completely become an adult.” If Yuzu holding Pooh-san and giggling in his mask made him an adult, you have to wonder what category his “Blinding Lights” performance skyrocketed him into. Because the Fanyus certainly “leveled up.”
Fanyus the world over have now been programmed to hear “Blinding Lights” and have a very visceral reaction. Some rate more “visceral” than others on the Earthy Scale. On the low end is the “Random Grin in the Grocery Store” Fanyu. This is because the mental image of Yuzu really ups the shopping experience…however, a side effect is getting home to discover you only bought pudding and strawberries. On the upper end is…well, this isn’t that kind of blog. Regardless of your ranking, when those first 7 notes float in from Pandora, you are guaranteed to briefly (or maybe not so briefly) pause what you are doing. Guaranteed.
Because I think every Fanyu has their “thing.” The thing that sends them off into the dark corner alone. I think, to some degree, it morphs by season, program and hairstyle. For me, I now have two dark corners permanently reserved for “Blinding Lights.” (Well, maybe three, but Yuzu has asked me to keep that third corner just between us.)
In the first corner are the subtle finger movements. I KNOW you thought these through, Yuzu. The slow finger roll into the throat. The come hither fingers beckoning after each arm reach. The wrist bend at the end of the hydroblade.
Yuzu could teach a Masterclass in Subtle Finger Choreography…but it should probably be offered at the same time the Red Cross is offering a CPR class in the room next door. Let’s be safe about this.
In the other corner is THE HAIR. The haaaaiiiirrrrrrrrr. Yuzu, LGC hair is one thing without you also flipping it around and running your faux finger-less gloved hands through it in slow motion. And how did you get it to do that perfect bang curl after the Masquerade hand? I would say it was a happy accident, but I think Yuzu’s “happy accidents” are actually “premeditated genius.” Full disclosure?
Yuzu could appear on the ice naked and I would still be spellbound by his hair.
Perhaps that was too much disclosure. Oh well. We’re all Fanyu friends here.
But I still think maybe we should all go take a minute…
Read Part Three, where I regret making that comment about Yuzu appearing naked on the ice.
PART THREE
Sometimes, I start to feel protective of Yuzu when it seems he’s being super objectified. This coming from someone with over 3000 pictures in her “Yuzu” folder on her computer. Computer? Large, tower-shaped, “external” hard drive of Yuzu files with a keyboard and monitor attached? Same thing. Back during the whole ISU Awards nonsense, I awarded Yuzu with the “Most Valuable Everything” award. (I’m a little more proud of giving him that award than the “most half-hearted shake your ass” award.) But I truly believe this. He’s not Most Valuable Sexy Dancer. He’s not Most Valuable UA Practice Clothes Wearer. He’s not even Most Valuable Hair (yes, I remember my earlier, very objectifying comment about his hair). And while he could easily win gold in all of these categories, he’s so much more than those things. His recent “Thesis Drop” alone proves that Yuzu has a brilliance beyond comprehension on top of all those other adjectives of kindness, generosity and individuality this blog frequently buries him in like Pooh Rain.
And then I had a thought: I think Yuzu wants us to enjoy him in that way.
Maybe not at quiiiiiite the (ahem) “level” that some of us do. But I don’t think he would’ve worked so hard at Super Slam of Sexy if he hadn’t wanted to win…and set a new world record.
There’s no way he’s not just a little bit pleased every time he sees a tweet that equates to “HOT DANG, YUZU!” no matter which language is put in Google Translate.
I bet the smile of satisfaction looks something like the one he flashes early on in one of the Blinding performances. Those Fanyus on the “Blinding Lights” High Score Leaderboard will know exactly the one I mean: when he puts his hands to his torso and sticks out his chin triumphantly. I’ve named it the “Look, Ma, I’m Dancing” Grin.
小さい [Small] Yuzu from the past may sometimes be critical of Current Yuzu, but he’s got to give Current Yuzu some credit. He pulled it off (and no, not in the same way he ‘pulled it off’ after losing a dance battle to Meryl Davis). Then again, I don’t think 小さい [Small] Yuzu is old enough to watch this performance either. He can bear-sit Pooh-san while they share a Happy Meal. Which reminds me…
Yuzu, you more than deserve your own McDonald’s meal. McBeef Tongue with Yuzu sauce, a Zunda McFlurry and a mini Pooh-san toy? Bring it.
All this to say, I just hope Yuzu is proud of himself. I hope when he hears “Blinding Lights,” he pauses and thinks, ‘Nailed it.’ On top of everything else, he has completely commandeered this song as his own. He should’ve been the one accepting all the Billboard Music Awards for it. In fact, any time I hear this song “in the real world” I am baffled at why it doesn’t go on for 18 minutes. The Weekend should at least send Yuzu a thank you note. He “Earned It.” But Yuzu being Yuzu, I bet he still managed to find 悔しい [regrettable] moments in his performance. He probably had 27 smoldering looks planned and only got in 26. I was going to make a joke here about him possibly popping one of the pelvic thrusts but it came out sounding far more provocative than intended. So we’ll just move on and wrap it up lest we send the earthier Fanyus into another dark corner…of which we are running out of.
“Blinding Lights” has caused many Fanyus to reassess their level:
‘I thought I was a “Grocery Store Grin” Fanyu, but what if now I’m a “Person I Want To Protect Yuzu From” Fanyu?’
This is just one example of what this time of Fanyu-evaluation has looked like. If you aren’t sure whether you’re in this evaluation phase or not, it’s easy to test:
Look around.
Are you in a corner?
Is it dark?
If your answers are “yes”…you’re evaluating.
A fellow Fanyu wondered what is on the other side of the line from being an innocent Fanyu. What exactly does that next level look like?
Personally, I think it looks something like writing a blog about Yuzuru Hanyu…
This blog post is featured on the second BONUS episode of “Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact” – The FanyuFanme Podcast.
Listen now on SPOTIFY or find it on THESE OTHER PLATFORMS.
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