Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

What I RE_member

Six rows from Yuzu.

In Yokohama. In Pia Arena MM. In the West section (Nishi for Nishikawa Down; right?). I was in the SIXTH ROW. For the final performance of the entire RE_PRAY tour. (Or so I thought! Good one, Yuzu.)

And it didn’t seem real. Until I heard a Fanyu behind me coughing…through all of いつか終わる夢 [A Dream That Will Someday End]. And it struck me:

YUZU CAN HEAR HER TOO. 

From the very start of the RE_PRAY tour, Yuzu was determined to level up…in every way. A faster spin. A louder foot stomp. A sexier double finger snap – check that one off the list, Yuzu. A stronger Pooh-san head pat. We even got a hair grab in “Hope & Legacy.” Now there’s a level up! But what happens when the most leveled up person in the world refuses to settle with seeing his initials permanently entered at the top of the High Score list? He starts causing the rest of us to malfunction.

During the livestream of the premiere of RE_PRAY in Saitama, even the worldwide love gush that is the Yuzu Twitter thread stopped. Yuzu demanded – DEMANDED – our full attention. Sort of like when he asked us to be quiet in Yokohama when he was trying to speak English. We’re sorry Yuzu. 本当に。[Truly.] We just got excited. At least I can say I didn’t leap to my feet in a  moment of evangelical healing when you skated past and pointed to your butt during “Let Me Entertain You.” (That’s a true story. That particular Fanyu was just a few rows down to my right and the Fanyu behind her had to grab onto the back of her GIFT blouson to keep her from rushing the ice. Either that or she thought, ‘If YOU’RE making a run for Yuzu, I’m going with you!’)

RE_PRAY is intense. Yuzu said he still wanted us to feel the nervousness of competitions even after he turned Pro. Well, mission accomplished. After just Day 1 of Saitama, I seriously considered titling my RE_PRAY blog post: “Yuzu is Stressing Me Out.” During the intermission of that very first performance, despite the fact that I had just been sitting on the floor in front of my TV, I tweeted, “I. Thought. I. Was. Going. To. Have. A. Heart. Attack.” You just never know what trick Yuzu is going to pull out of his magma sleeve next.  

Which may be why there is never the thought of ‘I didn’t know Yuzu could do [fill in the blank].’ It just seems obvious he can do anything. Stage combat, tumbling, fresh produce selection…(you know what I’m talking about), FLY (wait, we knew that one). I think he could come onto the rink and play the tuba and we’d all say, “Well, of course he can do that…” and better than anyone in the history of tuba-ing. All this to say, you deserve all the credit in the world, Yuzu. And I can’t wait to see your tuba costume.

It stressed us, it dazzled us, it moved us to tears (and, some of us, it moved to make a run for Yuzu!). But RE_PRAY also furthered the concept of Yuzu Whiplash. How does he transition so smoothly from dark, determined, sexy warrior Yuzu to innocent, don’t go out without a sweater, wide-eyed Yuzu? I found myself worrying about Haru Yuzu waiting backstage with Gate of Living Yuzu. And then I remembered that THEY ARE INSIDE THE SAME PERSON. And that neither one is an act. One minute he has you fleeing into a dark corner and the next you’re taking his hand to help him safely cross the street. 

But let’s spend a little more time with “Gate of Living,” because I think that’s where most of us would be perfectly happy living…for a very long time.

Six rows from Yuzu and you hear one of your favorite lines in the entire show “できないから、しなかった” [Because I can’t, I didn’t]. And it hits you. It’s coming. And you’re there. And IT IS COMING. And it is coming FOR YOU. And even Yuzu is repeatedly telling you to “息をする” (ikiosuru) [breathe] – but that is doing nothing to help, Yuzuru! 

I am certain that since Yuzu’s erotic red runway (let’s call it what it is), every fashion designer is trying to figure out how to get their models on ice. I hate to break it to them. It’s not the ice they need. It’s YUZU. (おめでとうございます、グッチさん。[Congratulations, GUCCI.] And we all know where that red runway leads…and it isn’t to an octagonal hydraulic platform with a spotlight. It’s a corner. Shaped like…a corner. And it’s dark. Oh so dark. Earthyus, I might be pinch hitting for your team on this one. “Gate of Living” is the new “Blinding Lights.” And it has taught us something very important:

When Yuzu is revealed with a white light behind him, hold on tight. Because whatever he is going to skate in a straight line is going to be the greatest thing you have ever seen in your life. 

“Gate of Living” revealed yet another Yuzu skill: charades. You’re seasick! You’re a snake! An antelope! A crocodile! A throw rug! The SEXIEST MAN ALIVE! I win! But I don’t think the Fanyus were shouting out charades guesses while Yuzu was on that platform. There was a different quality to the screams coming from the audience during that part. I don’t need to go into detail about why. I think you know why. 

Now, “Gate of Living” can join its siblings in the “Programs We Never Saw Coming” category. We didn’t know what we were getting ready to experience when Yuzu started “One Summer’s Day” at GIFT. The same with “Ashura-chan.” I distinctly remember thinking, ‘Oh, this is new! Yuzu in a blue tie and a red shirt!’ Our deepest thoughts were probably nothing more than the musing of ‘I wonder how many attempts it took him to tie that tie….’ But NOW, we know that is THE blue tie. And THE red shirt. And we know those ethereal white fabric strips from much further than six rows away (which have a beautiful, subtle teal gradient at the bottom which I had never noticed…until I was six rows away). And even though we want to yell, “HAKUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!” from the moment they make their entrance from backstage, we choose to be respectful…and, instead, simply scream it in our hearts. Well, most of us try. Honestly, I still find myself making questionable sounds during Haku. I’m not sure that’s ever going to stop. 

There are also moments which simply float down softly and land like a feather on your shoulder. Moments that come from Yuzu as effortlessly as breathing. Moments like the “春よ、来い [Haru yo Koi]” head dip. Cactus (yes, folks, Cactus was in that sixth row with me) made the mistake of leaning over to ask me something mere seconds before that head dip. No one has ever been shushed so quickly…unless they were cheering for Yuzu when he was trying to speak English after 2.5 hours of no-miss skating for his life. また。 ごめんなさい, Yuzu。[Again. I’m sorry, Yuzu.]

Speaking of sounds, I would like to underline three times the little “Hup!” jump sound that Yuzu made at the end of “One Summer’s Day” during Day 1 of Saitama. I have missed it every time since. What I love most about this sound is that it makes me believe that for even just a “hup!” instant he forgot he was being watched and he was skating in that moment with himself alone. But do I really believe Yuzu ever forgets anything? No. Except maybe one of his SEIMEI gloves…

Yuzu clearly got the message that we wanted to see him playing video games. I think we had all sort of imagined it would look more like it did on the couch for the Monster Hunter CM, but Yuzu always imagines things better than we do. Though Fanyus, now we know what Yuzu’s dark corner looks like. I had always thought it would include the green pajama pants, a box of Choco Pies and some bed hair.

During Saga’s Day 2 live stream, I sent a message to a fellow Fanyu that read simply: “The hair the hair the hair the hair the hair the…” Messages were flying blindly as we attempted to communicate without taking our eyes from the screen. Later, she asked, “Hey! When did you cry ‘the hair’?” To which I replied, “The first moment I set eyes on Yuzu.” Speaking of hair, I have concluded that Yuzu’s Balenciaga hair (am I still allowed to call it that now that he’s a brand ambassador for GUCCI?) was a GIFT gift – perhaps never to be seen again. Like a Yuzu Hair Comet...

GIFT also provided a precursor for one of my favorite things: Silhouette Yuzu. (It makes a great avatar for a blog – just sayin.) I’m glad that RE_PRAY fully embraced, appreciated and reproduced the artisticness of Yuzu’s silhouette. And that ending silhouette of Yuzu standing in the sky. Why is THAT not on a T-shirt, Yuzu? Or a program cover? Or a clear file? Or an acrylic standee? Or the welcome sign at Haneda International Airport?

I would enter a ticket lottery, fly across the ocean (take a picture of the Yuzu silhouette sky banner welcoming me to Haneda), wait outside the venue in the headwind (seriously, Yuzu always seems to arrive on the wind like Unico when I go to see him – ten points if you get that obscure reference), and buy all of the merchandise – just to experience the behind-the-scenes montage at the end of the show. (Where can I buy the external phone charger shaped like a bunch of grapes?) This montage (like its SEIMEI montage sibling at GIFT) is such a dynamic demonstration of the unbelievable amount of effort Yuzu puts into these shows. It’s like he’s saying, “It is not easy, people. And I’m going to show you in the most artistic way imaginable.” Or, to put it in Yuzu’s exact words, “It’s not as easy as it looks.” Don’t worry, Yuzu. We’ve never thought it was easy. In fact, sometimes it worries us just how “not easy” it is…

We have a work of art creating works of art for us.

Requiem is a perfect example of this. All we needed was Yuzu and a spotlight (and give or take about 35 beautiful lanterns). In Yokohama, I had the unique opportunity to watch the show at eye level with Yuzu – with a blur of a dimly lit audience or complete blackness behind him instead of a sea of projections being viewed from afar. When you take away the projections, we still have Yuzu’s artistry. I think we would all agree that we were seeing cherry blossoms swirling around him in “春よ、来い [Haru yo Koi]” long before they made their digital appearance in Prologue. Yuzu has always been projecting to us in HD.  

And I love imagining him practicing every moment, every vision, every expression he wanted to project to us during RE_PRAY:

-when the hood comes off his head during Sorcerer Mickey Yuzu – because that actually takes some skill.

-that side to side head caress in “Gate of Living” – because, well, I think we all know why I love to think about that.

-the toe pick drag before “Megalovania” – yeah, we saw you get amused at yourself when it didn’t quite take Day 2 in Saga, Yuzu (and we also noticed when you fit it back into the encore later perfectly…)

-that last minute finger ripple as the camera panned down at the end of “Gate of Living” on Day 2 of Saga (what was THAT, Yuzu, and please, please give it to us again!)  

Yuzu once said in an interview that he notices the audience with their hands clasped in prayer for him during his programs. I realized that I and the (not Cactus) Fanyu beside me were doing this very thing during “Messenger.” How could you not? You’re praying for Yuzu’s safety. You’re praying for your survival. You’re praying to give thanks for this hairstyle. There are all sorts of reasons. In fact, I’m not convinced that the 6 minute warm-up before “Messenger” was actually for Yuzu. I think it may have been for the rest of us to get our affairs in order, and check that our global health insurance provides coverage for GOAT attacks.

Just as I claim I can hear myself screaming during SEIMEI at GIFT, I would like to go on the record that I started the applause for Yuzu’s “Haku” entrance on Day 2 of Yokohama. The second they pulled back that black curtain to reveal Haku Yuzu, I burst into applause. He was like a beacon of light…even more than how Yuzu is a beacon of light on a normal day while dressed all in black. At the risk of conjuring “other” thoughts, Yuzu is a blinding light. You feel like you are squinting at the brightness – just like Yuzu when he made his “春よ、来い [Haru yo Koi]” entrance on Day 2 of Yokohama: Blinded. But happy.

Because you simply can’t believe you’re in the same room as Yuzu. Actually SEE-ing him. You think you will see him differently. There will be a realness that has never been there before, and you’ll think, “Ah. There’s Real Boy Yuzu.” But even from mere feet away, it was hard not to feel like you were watching him on TV.

He is every breathtaking artistic photo…but in real time, doing real things.

Breathing. Sweating. Talking. Dancing “Ashura-chan” (which is a WHOLE other thing when it is happening IN FRONT OF YOU). But he doesn’t seem real doing those real things. ごめんなさい [I’m sorry], Yuzu. It must be frustrating to have to try and convince people you are human. (And if you skate “Ashura-chan” much more, even you’re going to get too cool for Yuzu.)

While we all know he isn’t really perfect (though he comes pretty dang close!), I will say that Yuzu is The Perfect Yuzu (with all of his idiosyncrasies and obsessions and insecurities and tragically short arms and legs – I put that in just for you, Yuzu, but we all know the truth.) And you want to store every second of this perfect Yuzu in your heart forever. Then the show ends and the kind Japanese Fanyu beside you lets you know it’s time for your section to leave (because you totally screwed up following the rules at GIFT because your Japanese announcement comprehension GOE is super low), and you realize that Yuzu has wiped your brain clean and you remember NOTHING. 

But once you wave goodbye to Yuzu at Haneda and fly 7,000 miles home, set up your R&J 1.0 acrylic standee and carefully put the RE_PRAY program in a place of honor, you realize it isn’t about remembering everything you SAW. It isn’t about remembering every finger bend, every exhale of breath, every longing reach, every perfect wisp of hair perfectly flipped back by Yuzu’s perfect hair aerodynamics. It isn’t even about seeing “Gate of Living.” (Ok, it’s a little bit about seeing “Gate of Living.”) It’s about remembering everything you FELT. Everything in a heart so full of love for this person that it overflowed and took over the open space in your brain. There was no room for memories – your entire existence was filled with love. And that’s what I remember. All the things I couldn’t remember from six rows away. Because I was filled with too much love for Yuzu. (That, and “Gate of Living.”)