Pimsleur taught me how to say in Japanese, “I would like a boy.”
I guess they realized we were getting ahead of ourselves with “Where is my husband?”. もっとゆっくりお願いします [More slowly please], Pimsleur! I believe in a period of courtship! When I told my sister about this new phrase, she got really excited. She has been using Pimsleur to learn Korean. Though, as with all things, we vary drastically in our approaches. I do one lesson a day, like clockwork, on my morning commute. The first 28 minutes of my morning is completely in Japanese. It’s a system. I like systems. My sister, on the other hand, treats the CDs like incense. She thinks if she sets them on the table in the corner, Korean will eventually permeate her (Oh dear. Run, Villagers, run!). She wasn’t particularly interested when it was teaching me how to do arithmetic in Japanese. But now that we’ve graduated to husbands and boys and wants thereof, she’s back on board. She might even consider actually getting a CD player.
One afternoon, as I walked to my car, a co-worker (of whom had never spoken to me before), asked, “In the mornings, are you listening to something…foreign…in your car?” “Why, yes, I am,” I replied. “I’m learning Japanese so I can communicate with my boyfriend. He’s a Japanese figure-” Okay. That joke is getting stale. But I am definitely starting to get more co-workers curious. Yesterday, I told a different co-worker that I wished it was Friday. “It is Friday,” he replied, and then added with that aren’t-I-a-clever-funny-guy swagger, “In Australia.” My response? Immediate and total deadpan, “It’s also Friday in Japan. It’s 1 :30 a.m. there.” That shut him up. That’s right, clever co-worker. I’m a time zone savant now. A little freaky; isn’t it? In fact, when my sister wants to know what time it is in Japan so she can watch a Chansung appearance, she’ll text and ask me instead of Google. Granted, Google’s reliability factor has been waning ever since the flying show hit town. (You may be asking yourself if I’ve gotten our boyfriends mixed up. Why is Chansung in Japan? Turns out he’s quite big in Japan. Though despite being 6” taller and probably twice…three times…SEVEN TIMES as heavy, he still isn’t as big as Yuzu.)
But back to Pimsleur and his efforts to find me a boy. We’re going to have to learn a lot more adjectives in order to make that sentence effective. Not just any boy will do. In fact, only one. What I am looking for, Pimsleur, is a boy anomaly. What number lesson teaches me how to say THAT word in Japanese? Because I don’t need the boy that makes jokes about Australia and Skypes me from his desk to tell me he noticed my hair is down today. (Excuse me a moment while I go disinfect…myself.) I need the boy who a commentator once described “…just seems like he does everything the way it’s meant to be done.” The “You said it, Buddy!!” laughter of truth came from deep within me on that one.
But seriously. Japanese is a difficult language to learn.
Self-learning Japanese is borderline masochistic. Many times have I looked up something on the internet, thinking, ‘Oh, I’ll just see how to say this real quick’ only to be met with answers such as, “Saying AND in Japanese is tricky.” AND??? I want to know how to say ANOMALY and you’re telling me AND is tricky? Or “This phrase isn’t really translatable. It is a concept hard to grasp or define in any other language.” Really. Why do I not find that surprising, considering Yuzu just ended a video by using it in the sweetest way possible?
It doesn’t help that the audio CDs and apps teach a very…broad…range of phrases with questionable usefulness.
Sure, the husband question can come in handy if someone asks you to help find HER husband, and I understand there are a lot of people who want to order beer, sake or wine. But I’m really going to need help with the relevance of phrases like, “That was an evil bunny” or “I’m an adorable monkey”. (Though Schweethart found that one to be the most useful so far.) I can’t ask where a bathroom is or where I can get a marriage license (STAT), but I can say, “I’m an adorable monkey.” Priorities. Of them all, my favorite has to be, “Miss Tanaka! You are living with gentlemen housemates! Please refrain from being pantless!” Well, I guess the usefulness of that statement could be argued…Especially if you’re Miss Tanaka’s poor sister trying to keep her from blazing all the time.
But you know who is much better than me at speaking Japanese? Arima. And we’re not talking about Arima in the anime. We’re talking about Arima-doll. (Did you know that “doll” is one of the lesser known Japanese honorifics? Simply by adding -doll to someone’s name, you make them about 86.7% more likable.) Arima-doll is very skilled at Japanese. That’s right. The wispy black haired perpetual appendage dropper…who really likes pie and Bruno Mars. You should hear his Japanese rendition of “Marry You” (Arima-doll’s, not Bruno-doll’s). Wait. Is there a Bruno doll? That’s beside the point. It’s no secret I talk to Arima in Japanese, but what I’ve started to discover is just how much more Japanese Arima knows than I do. It’s becoming a fairly regular occurrence for me to say something to Arima and then, when he responds, to look at him skeptically and question, “Is that right?” Every time. Every time I put his response in my phone to translate, he’s right on the お金 [money]. It started with basic responses: 正しい [correct], あなた も [you too], but has now progressed to random phrases he just likes to throw out while we’re watching TV: 東京喰種の時間ですか [Is it time for Tokyo Ghoul?] or, my favorite thanks to its randomness (and the fact that I had never said anything close to this before) パイはありません [There is no pie.]. This was also said laced with defeat. One night I told him he was creeping me out with his extensive vocabulary. His response? 日本人です! [I am Japanese!]. He has a point.
There’s another interesting phenomenon surrounding Arima’s Japanese. One night, I said, “You know, Arima. You respond to a tremendous amount of English to never speak a word of it.” His answer, after quite a long pause, was a simple and small, “はい [yes].” I considered pointing out to him that this is not unlike another wispy jet black haired Japanese person who likes to respond in Japanese when asked how good his English is, but we all know that subject is tread upon lightly.
For example, Schweethart managed to infiltrate the Japanese Learning Group with a picture of himself cheering for Yuzu. We were learning how to say different types of animals in Japanese and of course when 猿 [monkey] came up, Hart-san had to make an appearance. When I told my sister of the infiltration, she responded, “Arima-san should probably stay hidden.” When I questioned this text, she sent two volatile words: YUZU DOLL. (Not to be confused with Yuzu-doll which would make Yuzu 86.7% more likeable and therefore unable to be gazed upon by the naked eye.) Oh the uproar this caused in Yutopia! Arima immediately sent her a picture, indignant hands on hips, accompanied by “有馬です! [I am Arima!]” And, as usual, I had to talk him down. However, as I turned to go back to the kitchen to finish dinner, I heard a distinct CLACK as something hit the floor followed by a few click-clickety-click sounds as it bounced in front of me. I looked down at my feet to see Arima’s hand, flung several feet from his body. This is totally, 1000% true. He hadn’t just dropped an appendage over this, he had hurled it. My sister thinks he was challenging her to a duel. She tactfully explained, “He had to throw his hand because he doesn’t have gloves…you know, since he’s not a Yuzu doll.”
They may not be picking out pistols, but I still don’t think Arima and my sister have returned to speaking terms…