Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

My sister is not skilled in Korean.

I feel like “not skilled” isn’t quite the best description of her Korean. In fact, when I think of her Korean “skills”, I get pretty specific imagery: The hyenas laughing in The Lion King.  (But don’t tell her I said that.  She hates Timon.)

Some people start a new language by learning its alphabet, listening to CDs, watching YouTube videos as they slowly and painstakingly bloom like a tiny, delicate flower from complete linguist idiot to still mostly linguist idiot. Let’s face it, Rosetta. Languages be HARD. Not to mention languages with their own unique character system. My sister’s plan? She decided to start her Sisyphean language journey by tweeting Chansung in Korean. Pimsleur just put his hands to his cheeks and screamed like Macaulay Culkin. Oh, just you wait, Pimsleur. Just. You. Wait.

One night, I received a mysterious screenshot from my sister. (Spoiler alert. My sister is not named Halle.) It said: 

Please! My name is Halle. I am an American. I can speak Korean a little bit.  Can you speak English? I’ve made you a good job. Nam Bong. The water is close. Your eyes are amazing.

Turns out, this was a Google Translate screenshot of her first Korean tweet.  

Now, before we go any further, let’s get this out in the open. Google Translate is pretty inconsistent. It ranges from “Oh, hey. That’s pretty close!” to “…” stunned silence. For example, I took a sentence I had written in Japanese and put it in Google Translate to double check its accuracy. Google Translate translated it as “Your gear is over there.” (Yep! That’s what I thought!) I then submitted this homework sentence to my Japanese Learning Group and waited patiently for my A+. My Japanese sensei’s note? “I read this as ‘your dick is a weapon.’” Me? Stunned emoji face of mortification. My sister? BLAZE.  

But she persevered.  

And, amazingly, she managed to…go backwards. Let’s take a moment to observe the true wonders of my sister’s masterful Korean tweets, as read by our fair-weather friend, Google Translate:

Tweet (Civil Rights Version):

Good morning! I am an American. I can speak Korean a little bit. Can you speak English? I have bought you a southern riot.

I have to admit that after all the blazes, I sort of thought “Please!” was a more accurate greeting than “Good morning!”.

Tweet (Hotel Pay-Per-View Version):

I loved you, M. Bong. Ms. Wook Kim. It is a force figure. Your eyes are amazing. Show on character in Seocheon. God let’s do it.

Yes, folks. That tweet ends “God let’s do it.” Finally! She wrote one of her intended sentences correctly in Korean! Progress!

Tweet (Barnum Version):

Good morning! I’m sorry I can do wrong with Korean. Can you speak English? I am eager. I try to do what I can to understand you. I loved you. Nam Bong is a powerful man. I understand you buy it as a character in a flying show.

That one is my all-time favorite. “I understand you buy it as a character in a flying show.” I love how so many of her tweets sound prophetic. “The water is close.” “You buy it as a character in a flying show.” If I were Chansung, I would start to get nervous about this Tarot card reading American prophesying the end of my world. My sister must’ve also realized this, because it was about this time her tweets became truly…Biblical.

Tweet (King James Version):

Do not be afraid!  I am an American. I can speak Korean a little bit…but I’m best at seeing the future. Run, Chansung Villager, Run!

Ok, so maybe I made up that last part…but the “Do Not Be Afraid” bit was 100% fact.

Finally, after several more attempts (and Google Translate starting to translate everything simply with “STOP”) she made one last attempt.  The result? “I’m sorry I can not sleep in Korea.” 

That’s ok. After these predictions, neither can Chansung.