Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

My sister has told all her friends about Chansung.

She’s also told all her co-workers about Chansung. She told a Starbucks cup about Chansung. To which the cup replied, “I once had a friend from McDonald’s who was dating a Goth action figure and, shooooo, I hope it works out better for you than it did for her, girl.”

As for my relationship with Yuzu? I told Cactus. His response? “I think you’re crazy. But I get it.” Hm. It’s possible Cactus might be placating me…

But I play things pretty close to the vest. (Yuzu in a vest. That would count for at least another ½ a layer.) I don’t like going around telling the world (and beverages) about my intentions to wed. I don’t even want the world to know I moved into a new apartment. (Shoot. There went that.) Cactus informed me that this was my way of “fangirling with silent dignity.” But I do have to admit that my non-Cactus friends are growing curious about some of my lifestyle choices…

“And why do you never sleep?” a co-worker recently asked.

Shrugging MeMoji became a real girl as I shrugged and responded, “I just have things I like to do on the weekend.  I’m a night owl.”

“Aren’t you learning another language?”

“Yes. Japanese.” Oooooo. Too much. Should’ve stopped at ‘yes’…or ‘はい’ [yes].

“I thought so,” Co-worker responds.

Dang. Here’s when your “look at me working on kanji while I do laundry” 3 a.m. Facebook post comes back to bite you in the…

“But WHY?” Co-worker persists.

I laugh innocently. “Everyone needs a hobby.  I figure why not do something easy like teaching yourself Japanese?”

“Can you say anything?”

“Well, yeah.”

“DO IT!”

I proceed to tell her (in 日本語) [Japanese] that I can understand a little Japanese but that I’m not skilled yet.  

Co-worker laughs and exclaims, “You are SO odd!”

I smile discreetly.  If she only knew…

I admit that my silent dignity fangirling has alienated me from my co-workers in other ways too. Yes, sometimes while I sit alone at a table in the break room wearing my イヤホン [earphones] and watching Yuzu ignore his friend Nobu shouting “BANG!” at him on YouTube, I feel slightly lonely. Not that Yuzu and Nobu aren’t great lunch companions, but mostly because society has convinced me that sitting alone at a table in a break room full of people is a symbol of social failure. So occasionally I would crumble to expectations and (after pausing on a particularly entertaining moment of Yuzu side-eyeing Nobu) I would listen in on what I was missing by not being a normal, functioning member of society. After weeks of this experiment, here are the riveting, life-fulfilling topics I discovered I was missing out on:

1. Medical Bills (and the ailments that caused them)
2. Kids (and the ailments that caused them)
3. Toast 

No thanks, Society. I shout “BANG!” at your pressure to make me normal. 

Still, there have been times I wished I had been more forthcoming with my “actual” hobby.

One time, I was on a flight and, as we started our landing descent, the girl next to me pulled out her carry on case and proceeded to do a full-on QVC makeover demonstration. I felt like I should be holding up a 1-800 number and counting down the seconds. 5 minutes and 15 pounds of makeup later, we land, and she starts Facetiming with her boyfriend who has surely smelled her perfume from the parking lot by now. She and I had exchanged occasional niceties on the flight and by the time she hangs up with “Babe” who can’t seem to understand why the black suit is better than the khaki (who WOULDN’T understand that?), she casts a withering glance to me as if to say, ‘Aren’t boyfriends such a struggle?’ In that moment, I had the briefest, tiniest glimmer of an inclination to say,

“Yeaaahhhhhh, I know.  Mine’s in Japan right now. He’s a figure skater.”

I SO was gonna do it. Instead, I simply smiled my most, “Aw, your life is so hard” smile and we went our separate ways. I to Yuzu. She to fashion clueless Babe. I have regretted not saying that for months. Life’s regrets.

Another time, I went into Hot Topic to pick up a couple Tokyo Ghoul shirts I ordered. The tattooed, pierced, non wooden beard (GAAA!!) guy at the counter opened the bags to make sure my order was correct.  

“Tokyo Ghoul shirt…another Tokyo Ghoul shirt…”

“Bet you can’t guess what’s in the other bag,” I say.

“Tokyo Ghoul?”

“はい [yes].” (No, I didn’t really say it in Japanese. Life’s regrets.)

“Ah, well. The family that watches anime together stays together; right?”  

Here’s another opportunity.  DO IT.

“These are all for me.”  Nah. He can’t handle the truth.

“These are for my boyfriend.  He’s a Japanese figure skater.  He LOVES Tokyo Ghoul.” Ehhh…nah. He can’t handle the truth.

“If my current boyfriend doesn’t work out, I’m hoping Kaneki will still be available.” SAY IT!

But instead, I simply smiled and left with my black, plastic bag full of ghoul and life’s regrets.