Kobe kidnapped Yuzu.
And this is completely against the rules.
Going into the third weekend of Fantasy on Ice was supposed to be a glorious, well-earned return after two weeks away from Yuzu. But Kobe took a page out of the 2018 Autumn Classic Live Stream Scandal and decided to kidnap Yuzu. That’s not how it works, Kobe. If millions of Fanyus can figure out how to arrange a timeshare of Yuzu, you have to follow the same rules. That’s the only way having only one Yuzu in the world will work.
To put it simply, you’re not allowed to not share Yuzu.
I imagined newspapers normally covered with full page photos of Yuzu pouring water on himself would now have headlines shouting, “SOMEONE HAS KIDNAPPED THE FANYUS’ BABY.” This might be a good time to remind everyone that Yuzu is a 27 year old man. Or, as one Fanyu so eloquently tweeted, “He is so man.” Couldn’t have said it better myself, Fanyu. But back to the kidnapping…er…MANnapping…
The moment the Fanyus received the ransom note, we went into action. That included the time honored tradition of offering to throw money wherever it needed to be thrown. And we weren’t just prepared to throw the money. We were prepared to throw it HAPPILY. We didn’t just request a livestream. We didn’t just request a PAID livestream. We asserted that we would be HAPPY if they would charge us for a livestream. We gave new meaning to the “PLEASE TAKE MY MONEY” GIF.
Once the pictures were finally released (proving that Yuzu was indeed alive, well and sexy in Kobe) it felt like they had simply thrown us a bone, shouted, “LEAVE US ALONE!” and ran as fast as possible in the other direction before we could say “LIVESTREAM.” It’s a good thing they did it digitally. Even still, social media felt like a Black Friday stampede for the must-have Yuzu photo of the season…and I’ll let you decide which one I think that is…
For a while, it looked as though I was going to have to write an entire post about Yuzu’s new purple sleeve…which I think I could’ve managed. Or about the diagram of his new program which looked like a mix between a Mousercise exercise routine and instructions on how to move someone with a potential spinal cord injury. But the text descriptions were the best. Sometimes it only took one word: exquisite, aggressive, VISCOUS. Or, the always effective, “GAHHHHHH!” Accounts ranged from “he twists and twists and twists” to “roll on ice, hand on hair, hip move besti besti besti hydroooooooooblade jump dance dance dance shoulderrrrrrrr skinnnnnn.” I bet I’m not the only Fanyu who finished reading that last description and thought, “Well. I don’t need the video. I just saw the whole thing…IN MY MIND…and now I’m just gonna go over here for a minute…” But don’t get me wrong, Kobe…
I STILL WANT TO ACTUALLY SEE VISCOUS YUZU FOR MYSELF.
As a merciful consolation prize, the Fanyus were spared Yuzu being partnered with someone during the Kobe Opening. Reports came in instantly: “Yuzu did not have a partner.” And, at last, Kobe had cut us a break. Our imaginations are active enough. You don’t need to literally put another human in his arms. But I think it was really just angry mob control. “Dip on Ice” was 4 years ago. 4 years for a fandom which gets more rabid by the day…minute…Black Friday Yuzu photo. The team in Kobe probably thought, ‘The Fanyus already want to torch the city. This time let’s maybe just…not.’ Good call, Kobe. But it doesn’t come close to making up for everything else.
Turns out that while Kobe was playing “Hide and Don’t Seek Yuzu,” Yuzu was playing his own games with the Fanyus. The detailed descriptions of every Yuzu action started to remind me of a game of Operation. Any time Yuzu’s hand would come in contact with any other part of his body, a Fanyu-wide alarm would go off. “He put a finger to his lips.” BUZZ! “His hand touched his shoulder.” BUZZ! “And slid down to his stoma-” BUZZZZZ! I hope Yuzu saw all the Day One reports and decided to have a little fun with us on Days Two and Three, thinking, ‘Let’s see them keep up with THIS.’ By night three, our batteries had almost run out, but we still had butterflies in our stomachs. (Fanyus who got all those Operation references win an extra turn-I mean-twizzle.)
Once we finally got the smallest video glimpse of レゾン [Raison], it looked like Yuzu was also playing Twister with us. Left hand to wrist, right hand to waist, Fanyus to dark corners… The “ice writhing” proved that Yuzu could easily win that game too. Not everyone can reach “left leg upper green” at the same time as “right leg lower red.” But Yuzu said himself that he is now giving 150%.
Yuzu, if you’re giving 150%, you better be careful. Your head might pop off. Or ours will!
Kobe may have kidnapped Yuzu, but we Fanyus need to be careful that we aren’t the ones holding him hostage. Over the past three Fantasy on Ice cities, the outcry has gotten louder and louder for MORE. More interactions. More jumps. More gestures. More skin. More heart signs over his head. And 150% Yuzu has got to be getting tired. Everything we’ve asked for – Yuzu has given. Pour more water. Pull up your shirt. Take off the jacket. Pull up your shirt. Add another jump. Pull up your shirt. Blow us a kiss. Pull up your shirt. And can you do the Quad Axel WHILE removing your shirt ENTIRELY? (I’ll be honest. When I saw the request for the Quad Axel, I might’ve exclaimed, “For pity’s sake!” at my phone. To which my phone replied, “I know; right?”) To add insult to (what we know is a lingering) injury, some of us are now backpedaling on exactly which Yuzu we even want. In Makuhari, we wanted Wet-Yuzu. In Nagoya, we wanted Shirtless-Yuzu. In Kobe, we wanted Writhing-Yuzu. Now, suddenly, social media is calling for the return of Sweet-Innocent-Yuzu. And I wouldn’t blame Sweet-Innocent-Yuzu if he was starting to get pissed. So I will say what I’m sure many of us would like to say to Yuzu-Yuzu, “No matter which Yuzu you are being – we love you. We’re just happy to see you (whenever Kobe decides it’s allowed.) Oh, and ignore those demands for the Quad Axel until Sweet-Innocent-Viscous Yuzu decides he’s good and ready.”
Because at this point, all we care about is that the next time we see ANY Yuzu – he isn’t in Kobe.
