Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

June Cleaver didn’t need a photo of Yuzu.

But I bet she would’ve liked one anyway.

As we move further and further away from classic-TV wives vacuuming in high heels and pearls, it has become harder and harder for the average female to find her perfect, classic-TV husband. I can’t explain it, and I won’t pretend that I understand the cause of what I refer to as “the plight of the common girl.”  

If you are not a common girl, you may not know what I’m talking about. But, even if you aren’t a common girl, if you KNOW a common girl, you probably at least have a clue. Put it this way. My best friend, Cactus, couldn’t be further from being a common girl, but he still sees it: the exorcism of sorrow from the wet rag doll face of his common girl best friend. But for those of you just tuning in to what many females are experiencing nowadays, I’ll put it simply:

WE. ARE. ALONE.

The common girl has gotten smarter. The common girl has gotten stronger. And the common girl has gotten LONELIER.  

Girls aren’t getting “courted.” Girls aren’t getting secret admirers, Valentine’s Days, random flowers or doors held open. Girls aren’t even getting SEEN.

So what do we do?  

We pretend. We fantasize. We create.

And there is no better pretend, fantastic creation than Yuzuru Hanyu.  

He is perfect.

He is beautiful.

He is SAFE.

We have everything we could possibly need in Yuzu. He’s smart, kind, chivalrous, talented, athletic, sexy, conscientious, funny, generous, passionate, gentle, handsome, humble, positive, driven, polite, thoughtful…PERFECT PERFECT. But more than all of these things?

Yuzu has never ignored a text message from me.

That’s right. Yuzu has never forgotten my birthday. Yuzu has never cancelled on me at the last minute. Yuzu has never made me feel ugly, unwanted or unimportant. Yuzu has never offended one of my friends (well, we won’t count Cactus on that one). Yuzu has never responded to every message I send him with “Ok.” Yuzu has never shown up insultingly under-dressed for a date. Yuzu has never made me question if he likes me or not. And I don’t have to worry that he ever will. 

Fanyus the world over grovel in gratitude at the feet of Mother Hanyu for giving us our only hope (sorry, Obi). I would estimate that Yuzu’s mother has somewhere around 2 million self-proclaimed daughters-in-law. And that is figuring out some serious time sharing at Christmas.

We will never meet him. 

Many of us will never even see him in person.

But, somehow knowing that, I think Yuzu has given us the most incredible gift. The gift of VAGUE. 

He has no social media. None. And through this protection of his privacy, he has allowed us to create whatever we want. We can put him in whatever setting, doing whatever hobby, wearing whatever clothing we want. Heck. He even lets us create his timezone. Because, as hard as it is to believe, Yuzu IS somewhere, doing something, wearing something, in some time zone…RIGHT NOW. But we have NO IDEA what. And it’s probably something really pedestrian like playing a video game or doing laundry or fixing a snack. OR, since he’s an overachiever, ALL THREE AT ONCE. But despite the fact that we all KNOW this, it isn’t particularly believable. It’s like he goes into a space capsule when we can’t see him. So, for those of you with an alien fetish, he’s even given you that.

But whether it’s eating McDonald’s french fries, playing Monster Hunter, practicing jumps in front of a mirror or microwaving hot chocolate, Yuzu is the most perfect canvas to embellish…and frequently by adding his glasses. So I’ll happily take my six ten thousandths of one Christmas over the course of a 50 year self-proclaimed, imaginary marriage to Yuzuru Hanyu. Because, nowadays, that’s all the common girl can hope for…

…while she vacuums barefoot in a pair of yoga pants.