Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

I wish I was under the protection of Japan.

AUTHOR’S NOTE: This was written in 2018 after Yuzu was injured at the Rostelecom Cup.

It has now been 20 days since Yuzu fell. 20 days since Yuzu (STILL) won the competition by a landslide. 20 days since Yuzu used crutches to hop onto the winner’s podium, after first practicing backstage with a folding chair.  (CloneMe posted that video to my Facebook page. Not gonna lie. I cried.) and 20 days since he waved to the crowd, shouted “ありがとうございました! (Thank you very much!)” and POOF. Gone. Gone! Not just sorta gone. Not just mostly out of the public eye unless you were really looking gone. GONE. Not even on a seven year old girl’s Instagram, GONE. How does he do that? My theory? One word. JAPAN.

I am convinced that there is literally an army of people whose sole assignment in life is to hide Yuzu. There can be no other explanation. (Except of course for that whole ‘he’s really animated’ thing, in which case he just gets rolled up into a FedEx tube and carried discreetly on and off airplanes between competitions.) I believe these HanyuGuards are trained, funded and meticulously monitored by Japan. When Yuzu wants to disappear, they are his David Copperfield. They throw a blanket over him, make a self-congratulatory joke, smile and wink at the camera and then pull off the blanket to reveal that Yuzu has vanished like the Statue of Liberty. He gets from Russia to Japan to Canada with zero sightings. (Have I mentioned that the Toronto airport code is YhZ? Last I checked, none of those letters are in ‘Toronto’, yet they do feature heavily in another (particularly attractive) proper noun. Don’t even get me started on what Japan had to do with that.

How else can it be possible for someone this famous to come and go from airports and venues and doctors and homes without anyone knowing? It’s not. People know. But protective, big brother Japan has sworn to deck anyone who bullies his beloved little bro Yuzu on his way to school. There’s no way for him to leave Japan without being recognized. In fact, I imagine that whenever Yuzu does leave Japan, the lights all dim a little and the island sinks about a foot further into the ocean from sheer depression. He could maybe get into Canada fairly unidentified, but that’s because the further west you get, the dumber people get regarding who they value as their celebrities. Miley Cyrus. Channing Tatum. Seth Rogen. Need I go on? Oh wait. One more. Pink. (Now THERE is a character I wish would bite it in a flying show.) 

For another thing, you cannot conceal Yuzu’s Yuzu-ness. There’s a reason you can spot him on a rink full of skaters (also wearing all black because if Yuzu does it, it must make you skate better; right?). Even as a tiny, black speck in an ocean of black specks, you can tell THAT ONE is Yuzu. Even when not on the rink, Yuzu is still Yuzu. Mask? Still obviously you, Yuzu. Baseball cap? Points for rarity, but still obviously you, Yuzu. Glasses? This only draws us to you MORE. It’s a known fact: Yuzu with glasses is like Yuzu to the tenth power. You’re only amplifying your Yuzu signal. Face it. It’s simply not possible for an Incognito Yuzu to exist. Some type of Japanese magic is obviously in play.

All this to say, I would love my own type of magical protection like Yuzu’s. Just think how すごい (wonderful) it would be to have readily available. Made a mistake on a report at work? Poof. Screwed over by your insurance company? Poof. Need to clean the bathtub? Poof. And no questions asked! Just one seamless, perfectly executed disappearance until you are good and ready to face the world again. This is not to say I think Yuzu has it made. Quite the opposite in fact. The only actual answer to this phenomenon (aside of course from the HanyuGuards which I really do believe is a thing) is that Yuzu can go nowhere. And even introverts don’t want to feel trapped.

However; what is most amazing about the disappearing act is that it in no way causes the Fanyu love to wane. In fact, it seems to grow. Someone should really come up with a quote about how people start to like things more once they’re not present for a while. For example, this week was Yuzu’s birthday. Ever since it hit midnight in Japan (change the day, add two [daylight savings, ya know]…) social media has been flooded-FLOODED-by Fanyus celebrating and sending their good wishes. This isn’t like when Facebook pokes your friends, acquaintances and stalkers and tells them it’s your birthday so they post a half-hearted “HB” on your wall. These are drawings and videos and special dinners and cakes and bound books of birthday wishes that have been planned and worked on for the entire year:

“The Istanbul fans are sending you this package of presents!!” 

“I made a batch of cupcakes with each cupcake decorated to represent one of your costumes from the past 12 years!”

“We’ve all gathered at this Hibachi in Hamburg to eat with chopsticks for your birthday!” 

“I wrote your name in the snow!” (no, not like that…I don’t think…)

“I’m sculpting a life-size you out of butter!”

It’s been going strong for nearly 24 hours. The best part about it? Yuzu is NOWHERE. Everyone might as well be wishing happy birthday to air. And they do it every…single…year. Does Yuzu acknowledge it? No. Does Yuzu see most of it? Doubtful. But that changes nothing. These people are diehards. And it’s important to them. So I’m not going to judge. 

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go buy more butter.