Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

I want a Yuzu.

I don’t mean someone similar to Yuzu. I’m not looking for a Yuzu knock-off whose arm will fall off after I take him out to dinner the first time. I’m going to need a Certified Yuzu Clone.

Because my reaction is always the same:

He’s the only worthy human. 

Anytime he does anything — skates, talks, laughs, opens a bottle of facial cleanser — the gut reaction is “I want a Yuzu.” I would say “I want Yuzu,” but let’s be fair. There are 50 million Fanyus (give or take a dozen). There aren’t even enough clear Ghana files for all of us. And there’s only one Yuzu (unless I’ve hit the target on that whole Yuzu Clone thing and, in that case, where do I get on the waiting list for one of those? I want one numbered early in the series.)  

My friends misconstrue this. One completely clueless friend with a non-swoon-worthy monosyllabic name randomly texted me one day to suggest I start following a Japanese Formula One driver. … Let’s just give that a minute. A, I wouldn’t even follow that sport if Yuzu was a driver. (Well, maybe only then. But please don’t do that, Yuzu. The danger level would officially do in the Fanyus.) And B, I don’t like just ANY Japanese ANYBODY. I’m not taking 日本人 [Japanese person] applications. ONLY YUZU. He is enough. He is unlumpable. He is in a category all to himself. The category of YUZU.

Even my own mother fell prey to it. Early on in my “How have I just discovered Yuzuru Hanyu?” era, she sent me a text that read: So there was–I’m pretty sure–a not bad looking Japanese man wielding a chainsaw cutting down trees at a house at the entrance of my subdivision. Just saying. First, nice try Mom, but–I’m pretty sure–it wasn’t Yuzu. Second, I’m glad you added the “cutting down trees” part. And third, I’m probably one of the few daughters who can say that her mother actually SUGGESTED she marry a chainsaw wielder. Don’t worry though. お母さん [mother] quickly came around to the fact that Yuzu is the only worthy human for her daughter…as most mothers do.  

Beyond that, I am gradually training everyone to identify Yuzu with me. People I would only consider acquaintances (or creepy Facebook stalkers) will send me messages when Yuzu is on TV (on the off chance that NBC chooses to actually air Yuzu competing…and that is rare. I think you know why.) “Are you watching NBC? Yuzu is skating.” Why, thank you Creepy Facebook Stalker. I can’t bring myself to tell you that I watched this many, many days earlier when it was live…because, um, it was YUZU. But it’s not just the creepy “friends” it’s also some of my dearest friends. I was going through a particularly difficult time and my friend texted to tell me “Yuzu is here for you.” She didn’t mention herself. She didn’t mention my family or other friends. She knew the best person to mention at that moment.  

Other friends try to pretend they aren’t interested in my “hobby.” But despite how much they may try to avoid it, it’s inevitable. Yuzu is gonna suck you in. (Whoa, sorry for that one, Earthy Fanyus.) You cannot NOT watch Yuzu if he is on the TV. Even Cactus (who thinks I’ve reached a certifiable level of fan-delusion) will sit on my couch having a conversation with me while he supposedly wears Yuzu Blinders (ohhh…that made me think of Yuzu and Blinding Lights. Give me a minute…or 18.) But I see the eyes wander over to the TV on occasion as my Yuzu Photo Museum Gallery cycles. Don’t try to fight it, Cactus. You’ll just end up hurting yourself.

But back to the whole cloning idea… 

Sometimes I truly am frustrated that there is only one Yuzu. I mean, why did God make duplicates of some people but not of others? There are lots of humans that we have more than enough copies of. They look the same. They act the same. They often have similar names. Go into any wireless store or car dealership and just try to tell me that there aren’t multiples of the same person out there. I know this same dude isn’t moonlighting at, say, 65 different places of business. There can only be so many Garys or Steves. (And if you love a Gary or Steve, clearly I’m not talking about YOUR Gary or Steve. Duh. He’s the BEST.) But when it came to the Yuzu template, we only got one. 

I guess Yuzu was God’s quad Axel, and He just wasn’t sure how to top Himself after that.