Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

I now know what it feels like to belong to a swarm of killer bees.

The other day on Facebook, the very first post in my news feed was surrounded by exclamation points and alarm emojis. No, it wasn’t my sister posting about a new Chansung tantalizing guppy face photo (remember, those are volcanic), it was from a Fanyu. She was sounding the Hanyu Harassment Alarm. Apparently, paparazzi had taken photos of Yuzu while he was leaving The Toronto Cricket Club, and they included clear images of the car he was getting into. They claimed these photos were “unauthorized by Yuzu”. I wanted to point out that I’m unaware of “authorized” paparazzi photos, but figured that probably wasn’t the best time. Within seconds, the Fanyus took flight like a giant swirling cloud of vindication out to rain down holy hell on these paparazzi and anyone who hit “share” on those photos. They reported the photos as breaches of privacy on every website. They directly contacted individuals to have them removed from their Tumblr pages. They started #saveyuzusprivacy on Twitter. Several bought plane tickets and Mace (Yuzu scented!) and headed straight for Toronto. Do not pass GO, do not collect 20000 yen. I mean, I was at work while all this was going down…so I could only check Expedia for flights for the following morning. And while I couldn’t find the Yuzu-scented Mace, I was ready to pack some Yuzu Sauce in a 3.4 ounce carry-on bottle, because I’m quite certain that stuff would still sting like a mother if you got it in your eye.  

It wasn’t too long before one of the Admins (or Yuzu sipping a Matcha McFrappe while sitting on his bed scrolling through Facebook on his iPad) stepped in and tranquilized everyone. Almost before it even started, it was over. RIP YuzuCarGate 2018. Come to think of it, I should’ve just suggested that whoever had been in charge of making YuzuShoulderScandal 2018 disappear should have been put on the hunt for the car pictures. That would’ve taken care of that. Granted, that may have been the government of Japan…

I have to admit, it was kind of empowering being part of an international strike force for about 20 minutes. It was cool to think that people in Slovakia and the Philippines and Italy and Japan were all pissed off about the same thing as me as I stood at the copy machine. The song “We are the World” just popped into my head. 

Fanyus. We are the World…and we will HUNT YOU DOWN if you come after our beloved 羽生選手 [Hanyu-senshu*].

*-senshu is an honorific used to refer to athletes.