Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

How can we be expected to handle Yuzuru Hanyu?

I ask this question in all honesty.  He is unhandleable. In every way. 

[If you aren’t a fan of Yuzu and/or are not in the mood for an unapologetic love gush on his superiority to any other human (past, present or future), this might be a good week to skip the blog. But, let’s be frank. You probably haven’t lasted this long if you don’t like Yuzu. And, by the way, Frank doesn’t hold a candle to him either.]

Every SECOND of this person is ART.

You could screenshot any moment of him–talking to someone, just thinking, or floating by on the ice in that way that makes you question at what point he got that momentum going or if he simply lives in a state of perpetual ice motion with zero effort…for an entire practice…while everyone else seems to be exerting ridiculous amounts of energy to simply stay upright. It must be so annoying to have Yuzu just float by with that innocent, doe-eyed look of “Who me? Two-time Olympic Gold Medalist? Super Slam Winner?…and look at this awesome thing my hair is doing…also effortlessly. Oh? Am I still moving?” There’s a reason that every second he’s within camera shot, you can hear the chicka-chicka-chicka-chicka shutter sounds. And this isn’t because photographers are hoping that of those 100 shots they take, they’ll walk away with 4 or 5 good ones. It’s because they know ALL 100 of them will be gold. If you knew that EVERY TIME you pulled the handle on the slot machine it would be all cherries, wouldn’t you feed it the entire bucket of quarters too? That’s what these photographers are doing. Except with Yuzu, every photo comes up all cherry BLOSSOMS.

When was the last time you intentionally took a picture of someone blowing his nose? Just sayin.

And can we talk about how there are thousands upon thousands of photos (perfect, beautiful, award-worthy photos) of Yuzu every season and that over the course of that season, we see him in only about 5 or 6 outfits? What model or celebrity would dream of staying relevant by repeating even one outfit on one day? “I can’t wear the black outfit with the white stripe AGAIN today!” I have a screensaver on my TV that randomly cycles through over 3000 pictures of Yuzu. 3000. (And only a few of them predate 2014 because, well, I think then it gets a little creepy. I aged. Yuzu aged. It’s fine now. But still.) Of those 3000 pictures, it is rare that I see one and think, “That one looks just like that other one.” Then I get on social media and daily add more. Same outfit. Same competitions. Same poses. But NEVER the same Yuzu.  How does he do that?  I don’t care how.  Just keep cranking it out, Yuz.

And it’s easy to do. Because in addition to his physics defying ice floating, another phenomenon of Yuzu is his ability to pull off things that your average human cannot. And I’m not talking about jumps or spins or pulling your leg into positions that seem impossible. I’m talking about white tennis shoes. I HATE white tennis shoes. If you’re wearing all white tennis shoes, chances are good that you are a) an 80 year old man, b) clueless or c) possibly in BTS… But one day my 3000 photo Yuzu Museum Gallery cycled to a photo of Yuzu wearing all white tennis shoes, and I thought, “Nice kicks, Yuzu.” ?!? What? All of the previous points also apply to slip-on Keds. But Yuzu can really rock those too. And with striped socks.  Same time.  Keds and striped socks. I’ll take that all day, Yuz. Another thing only Yuzu can do? The infamous Besti. I say “infamous” because I wasn’t really up on my figure skating lingo early on and so I only knew to call this the “astonishingly wrong” pose that Shoma did in his tattoo shirt program. Fun fact: I also described that tattoo shirt as “astonishingly wrong.”  I cannot take this pose from anyone. Anyone. And, lady skaters, just DON’T. This falls into the Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should category. But I gotta say that when photo 2846 (one of my favorites) in my Yuzu Museum Gallery popped up and it was Yuzu doing that pose in Origin…I suddenly realized he was doing the same pose as Shoma’s astonishingly wrong pose. But when Yuzu does it, it’s just…astonishing. Speaking of astonishing, I’m just going to say: Yuzu in a mask. I always found them creepy until I saw Yuzu wearing them and now they do something completely different for me. I know my sister feels the same way about these choices when it comes to her completely real K-Pop boyfriend, Chansung. Though she insists the Besti is just wrong and that she wouldn’t even want Chansung to do it. For this, Chansung thanked her…and so did the people in the ER for not being expected to figure out how to unfold a K-Popper. It’s definitely a pose more fit for a gazelle than a buffalo…or a Shoma. I argue that a Yuzu Besti is still better than watching Chansung gnaw on chicken for 40 minutes. But how can I judge?

I spend most evenings trying to find HD FanCams to get a better shot of Yuzu blowing his nose.

One of the most fun and amazing parts of being a Fanyu is sharing in their OMG feelings. No matter age, ethnicity or background, we Fanyus experience the same undeniable desire to scream, weep, CREATE at the sight of Yuzu. We are universally gobsmacked. (There’s a word I’ve never used, but if anyone was going to conjure it from me, it would be Yuzu.) What I’ve started to find truly fascinating is the consistency of the Fanyu freak out moments. You could show Fanyus a ten minute video of Yuzu and I think you would be astounded to find that the majority of us would pinpoint the same moments that send us. It’s like those studies which survey consumers to adjust their level of interest by using a dial while watching a commercial. What did you like? What didn’t you like? At what moment did we lose you? Do a study with 500 Fanyus, worldwide, watching the same Yuzu clip and I think the dial turning to the maximum setting would show a consistent OMG moment. (Aside from the fact that most of us would just hold the dial at OMG level the whole time.) Every time there’s a new commercial or a new interview or a new Kiss & Cry, I love to find my favorite moments and then get on Twitter to find hundreds of screenshots of those exact moments have already been posted. And they aren’t always obvious. “Oh, Yuzu took his jacket off.” “Oh, Yuzu ran his fingers through his hair and now it’s sticking in all directions.” (OK. Maybe that one is still a sure-fire winner despite being obvious. The hair. I can’t…) No, I’m talking about the “Did you see Yuzu lacing up his skate?” “Did you see Yuzu glance at the camera?” “Did you see Yuzu touch that person’s arm?” moments. These are normal, human actions. Lacing, glancing, arm-touching (had to put that “arm” before “touching” lest that sentence become blaze-worthy.) Though, let’s admit it. Even arm-touching with Yuzu…

But my favorite example of Fanyugobsmackedness (yeah, I’m gonna trademark that), comes in the form of the no filter fan posts. The best part is that they start out so tactful and respectful with the sincerest of intentions to stay well-spoken, tasteful and balanced…but quickly digress into unbridled passion:

I think Yuzu’s triple axel is perfectly executed. The rotation and the axis have consistently improved. He is so dedicated to his sport. I know he will land the quad axel someday. I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!!!!  YUZUUUUUUUUU!!!!

Does anyone have a recommendation on which Yuzu calendar is best this year? I can’t decide between the desk calendar or the wall calendar. Then again, nevermind. I think I will just buy them all. AND WALLPAPER MY ROOM WITH HIS GLORIOUS VISAGE. YUZUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

Yuzu’s English has really improved. I can tell he has been working on it. You can still tell it makes him really nervous, but I would be happy to help tutor him. PLEASE! I’LL RUN AWAY TO THE FOWEST WITH YOU. YUZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

We try. We really do. Yuzu just gives us so much…and requires nothing in return. One night, I actually became sad thinking about how Yuzu doesn’t have himself to bring himself the joy he brings his fans. You might try to argue that he’s lucky because every time he looks in the mirror, he gets to see Yuzuru Hanyu…but you know how you don’t like hearing yourself on your own voicemail. Though I still believe he probably has mirror moments of “…look at this awesome thing my hair is doing…also effortlessly.”

He’s humble, not blind.

In conclusion, I really like Yuzuru Hanyu. He’s a very talented figure skater and a decent human being. And now that I think about it, he’s also fairly good looking…TOUCH MY ARM, YUZUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!