Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Fanyus (much like HIPAA) are for REAL.

Shortly after the Olympics ended, I started having Yuzuru Withdrawal. Okay, so maybe the withdrawal started the moment he stepped off the podium. “Wait, come back, I can’t make it four years!” This is when I found the Yuzuru Hanyu International Fan Group on Facebook. Also known as Hanyunonymous. Also known as Fanyus. Also known as MY PEOPLE. Not just anyone can join the Fan Group. You have to be FOR REAL. In order to join the Yuzuru Hanyu International Fan Group you have to take an essay test. HIPAA [for real]. As if that weren’t crazy enough, I SUPER STRESSED over these questions. Graduate level Shakespeare Survey? Physics? Bah. I laugh at your questions. Why do I want to join the fan group? What’s my favorite Yuzu program? What’s Yuzu’s favorite potato chip? What do I think his hair smells like? Pantene!  I got that one right. If Yuzu’s soul were a color, what color would it be? Yes, there is a right answer. These are the kinds of questions life just doesn’t prepare you for. I clicked “submit” (after some intense lavender blue soul searching), and I would be lying if I said didn’t check Facebook every five minutes to see if I had been accepted. That’s when I really started to get paranoid. Should I have specified the TYPE of Pantene? And then it happened. I was accepted. And when I shared the acceptance on Facebook I had a few friends like it. Mwa ha ha…foolish mortals. You know not what I have just gotten into. It’s been nice knowing you. I have now entered…The Yuzuzone.

When I say these are “my people” I don’t mean just because they like Yuzu. They also like rules. And order. And tact. The Admins run that site like the Short Program at the Grand Prix Finale. Over by a second? DEDUCTION. But with a smile. At least, during the afterglow of the Olympics. (We’ll get to that later…) Upon joining, you are directed to the group’s rules. I mean, the group’s extensive rules. I mean, the group’s commandments. And there are definitely more than ten. Good luck carrying all these down Mt. Sinai. (Mt. Sendai??) I’m pretty sure one of them said something to the effect of, “Thou shalt not so much as think of glancing at another figure skater, or thou shalt be instantly removed from this group and smoten where thou stands.” But, let’s face it, like ANYONE in this group is going to look at another figure skater. Or another human. For the rest of their lives.  

There are 20,000+ members from well over 100 countries. (There was a poll. It was well-organized.) And when I say the “Fanyus” are thorough in their adoration of Yuzu, it is quite the understatement. The Fanyus have blanketed the world and you can’t get anything Yuzu-related past them.  Some of it is pretty basic: Yuzu’s going to be in this ice show, on this day, at this time, on this channel, doing this, saying this, wearing this…and smelling like Pantene. Other things, a little more obscure: Anthropologie is selling a Yuzu scented candle! A brewery in Toronto has made a “Taste of Yuzu” IPA! Trader Joe’s has a Yuzu Sauce!

A, these people are insane.  B, I posted the picture of the Yuzu Sauce. 

One of my favorites so far? The Vibrant Yuzu deodorant. Let’s clarify something. These products are being found all around the world. While maybe the ones in Japan really ARE trying to capitalize off Yuzuru Hanyu’s fame, the others are coincidental (maybe) because the yuzu is also a citrus fruit from Japan. About the time the photo of the deodorant was posted, I thought, ‘I wonder if Yuzu feels he has an unfortunate name.’  “Thanks, お母さん [mother], for naming me after something that people want their underarms to smell like.” I guess it could be the equivalent of having your parents name you Cucumber Melon in America.  

But back to the Olympic afterglow. When I first joined the group, the sheer number of posts, articles, pictures, videos and links was overwhelming.  I couldn’t keep up with it all…but Golly Bob I tried! Save for later, save for later, save for later… On top of all the content, it was a full-on lovefest. And not just FOR Yuzu. For fellow fans:

“Look at this picture of Yuzu I drew!”  “Awwww, you are so talented!” (Sometimes, OMG YES. Other times? Welll….)

“How can I order a Winnnnnnies in the Fowest 2019 official Tshirt?”  “I’ll buy one and mail it 7,000 miles to you!” (They actually did.)

“Look at this video montage I made of Yuzu with his cowlick sticking up!”  “That’s so creative!  I never thought of putting a Maroon 5 song over a Yuzu montage!” (There’s maybe a reason for that.)

Love, love, love.  Support, support, support.  Tact, tact, tact.  It was rampant.  But I have to admit it renewed my faith in humanity. 

These people are GOOD.  Almost…decent.  

Once the Olympics officially ended, we had the ice shows, the victory parades, the award ceremonies, the coronation, the cloning attempts…and then it happened. Yuzu left Japan to return to Toronto to train. And thus we entered what is known amongst the Fanyus as…Off Season Yuzuru Hanyu Radio Silence. The horror. It’s around this time that the friendliness started to get, well, strained. It started small enough with the Admins general policing of the commandments (6 of which are still being carried down the mountain).

YuzuButterWings9, I love that picture you posted, but could you please make sure to edit your post to give credit to the photographer?  どうもありがとうございます!!! [thank you very much]

Eyes4Yuz, this is a group for Yuzuru Hanyu, please refrain from posting about other skaters.  ありがとうございます! [thank you]. It was about another CERTAIN figure skater, I tell ya!!!  How was she not smoten?)

YuzuNyaNya, your translation is inaccurate.  Unfortunately I had to remove it.  Please be more careful next time.  ありがとう! [thanks]

SnuzYuYuzu, that link is no longer active.  It has been deleted.

By the time we hit Week 2 of Yuzu Radio Silence, they had resorted to one word responses. My favorite?  Someone posted a link and said, “Look at this recent video I found of Yuzu lip syncing to One OK Rock!  可愛い!”[cute] The Admins response?  

OLD.

At this rate, I’m not sure we’ll make it to the beginning of the season. But the Fanyu Ninjas are out in force. They’re determined to keep our spirits up. Even if it means stalking a seven year old’s Instagram page. I’m serious. I don’t know who got this job, but every time someone posts a picture of Yuzu posing with a random kid at the Toronto Cricket Club where he trains, I have two thoughts. One, ‘How did they find this?’ And two, ‘Ummmm… THANK YOU!’. The number of pictures being posted of completely unknown people mugging for the camera is remarkable. Because in each of these photos, if you look waaaaay back in the distance, you’ll see a recurring theme: the often blurred lone figure with the jet black hair dressed all in black looking very 悔しい [frustrated]. This lone figure often has an arrow drawn to his head and a caption under the picture that says, “We got you!” Love? Dedication? Hobby? Restraint order? You be the judge. Wait. Maybe let’s not judge…

Instead, let’s take a brief time out to justify these devoted ninja Fanyus. Yuzu is not on social media. At all. No Facebook (we’ll get to that). No Twitter. No Instagram. No Carrier Pigeon. And why should he? He’s said so himself, everyone does it for him. What else could he possibly say? I mean, when people are measuring the light refraction on an ice rink mirror to gauge if the woman sitting by the window near the rink is looking in the direction of the black smear reflected in the same mirror in order to prove that it is Yuzu’s mom sitting rink side watching him practice therefore he must be back in Canada….well. You get my point.  

And here’s the best part. Yuzu, when not breaking world records, rebuilding tsunami-stricken Sendai or going to the Emperor’s garden parties is an introverted hermit. He goes nowhere. Speaking as a fellow introverted hermit, I get this. Pop quiz! What’s more attractive to an introverted hermit than another introverted hermit? NOTHING.

Now excuse me while I go find my protractor…