Featured / Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

Even Yuzu didn’t cry.

We thought “it” could happen after Pyeongchang. We thought “it” would happen after Beijing. I thought “it” might even happen right in the middle of the Fantasy on Ice “Notre Dame de Paris” encore. I’m not sure anyone had suspected Yuzu’s “Statement of Determination” would come on July 19, 2022.

But suddenly, a date that meant nothing to any of us became a day that would mean everything to all of us.

At 4 AM on July 19, I sat on the floor in front of my TV. As the press conference proceeded, I found myself gradually scooting closer and closer to the TV – a wordless gesture of “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE US.” I wanted to jump through the screen and hug Yuzu to comfort him in his life-changing moment…and probably also to comfort me too.  少し [a little].

And then…it was July 20. And then July 21…22…23…

And we were all still processing. 

For Yuzu, I wish I could say I was brave from the very first moment. But that would be a lie. I knew I needed to jump (facing forward) into what had happened. But I put it off for days. And the world felt…empty. (Yes, Yuzu knew exactly how we would feel.) I was scared to start exploring my emotions. Writing about Yuzuru Vague-yu or LGC Hair or Masquerade Dark Corners is one thing. Funneling my thoughts into supportive and profound epiphanies of optimism when sometimes I wanted to cry, “Oh my god, we’ve lost Yuzu!” was something else entirely.  

心がボロボロになった。[My heart was in tatters.]  

But then I had a thought:

Even Yuzu didn’t cry.

Given his propensity (there’s another word I won’t know in Japanese until Pimsleur Disc 84) to wear his heart (and sometimes his tears) on his sleeve, the fact that Yuzu seemed beyond okay with what he was announcing brought me comfort and courage. I had always imagined that when this day came, no amount of professionalism, an armored heart or a practiced statement would prevent him from ending up as a Yuzu puddle.  

But he smiled.

And he laughed.

And the smiles and the laughs started coming more easily. He even sprinkled in the nose scrunch.

And if Yuzu is this happy…it must be okay.

I was never mad. I was never betrayed. I was never distraught (ok, maybe 少し [a little]). But I felt things. And I know the other Fanyus did too. We are Fanyus because we care. One of the (many) reasons we are drawn to Yuzu is because we see his level of care reflected in us. He wants to give every moment justice. So do we. He wants to express everything perfectly. So do we. He wants to create beautiful and meaningful things and we want to create beautiful and meaningful things to support beautiful and meaningful Yuzu. Yuzu touches our hearts because we have them. So to all those Fanyus who felt guilty about everything going on in their hearts on July 19…20…21…22…I want to say this:

You can trust Yuzu but still be uneasy.

You can look forward to the future but still miss the past.

You can be happy for Yuzu but still be sad.

You can feel things but still be a Fanyu.

And Yuzu knows that. Because here is the really crazy thing: YUZU was worried about US. Allow yourself a moment to give that thought the warm fuzzy it deserves. With everything he was facing, Yuzuru Hanyu was worried about you, Fanyu. Yes, YOU! And all the other Fanyu-yous. And that is about as much as one Fanyu heart can handle. (Which could be why I just momentarily turned into Dr. Seuss…)

Yuzu has said himself that the words of support have helped him. I think the Fanyus are a large part of the reason Yuzu is looking happier and happier. The more we support him – the more we are OK – the lighter he feels about making this decision – this decision he knew he had to allow himself to make. I’m sure despite not being a Yuzu Puddle on July 19, he has had his moments of doubt, nostalgia and “propensity tears.” I can’t even imagine the conversations he had with Pooh-san (in person with Stunt Pooh-san and via FaceTime with Toronto-Dweller Original Pooh-san.) But we have shown him that this announcement has evolved from refused and dreaded to embraced and celebrated. 

And as time has passed, we’ve become less worried about IF we will see Yuzu again and more worried if he will be wearing his UA training outfit when we do. (Fanyu Priorities.) I love the Twitter requests begging for this to still be a thing. And yes, Yuzu, it is a THING. But UA withdrawal is not the only concern. Some Fanyus are already missing the intro we know and love, “Representing Japan…YUZURU HANYU.” I think when Yuzu is introduced from now on, even if it’s just when he walks into McDonald’s, it should be, “Representing everything that ever made figure skating meaningful…YUZURU HANYU!…would you like fries with that?”

Because when Yuzu stood up from that Press Conference table on July 19 and walked off the stage, figure skating walked off with him. There was no question in that custody battle – figure skating said, “I WANT TO GO LIVE WITH HIM.” I’m thrilled that Yuzu has finally stated quite openly (in the most tactful, Yuzu way) that he was being screwed. Let’s face it. 

The only person skilled enough at figure skating to evaluate Yuzuru Hanyu’s figure skating is Yuzuru Hanyu.

As if that wasn’t already obvious enough, did you SEE Yuzu’s explanation of his Beijing Quad Axel during the “Endless Challenge” Special? It started casually but quickly escalated into a Yuzu Dissertation. He went to another place and even the fellow figure skaters on the set looked a little stunned. Full disclosure. Yuzu wasn’t the only one who “went to another place” during this Masterclass. I did as well…but my other place was a dimly lit corner. Because Yuzu unleashing his mind boggling brilliance and demonstrating his Quad Axel while wearing a suit (of which all pieces have already sold out) and dress shoes* was SOMETHING ELSE.

ありがとう [thanks] Yuzu. There’s the first dark corner of your new stage. That didn’t take long.

Yuzu’s new stage as a professional athlete means we have entered a new stage as well: The Professional Fanyu. And we are ready to BRING IT. We’ve been training for this for years…though I’m certain we don’t look as good in our training outfits as Yuzu does in his. We knew our assignment was coming. We just weren’t sure when it would be announced. (Should I still throw a little shade at the ISU here? Nah. They’re dead.) But then Yuzu woke up one morning and realized “I’m frickin Yuzuru Hanyu. I can do whatever the heck I want.” And it was time to pack our Pooh-sans.

Yuzu has never done anything like anyone else.

He doesn’t skate like anyone else. 

He doesn’t speak like anyone else.

He doesn’t walk down a corridor like anyone else.

What makes us think he is going to be a Professional Skater like anyone else? [Author’s note: I say “Professional Skater” since that is the category many people are putting Yuzu into. He is going to prove that category has been reinvented into something no one has seen before: Yuzuru Hanyu – Professional Athlete. We heard you, Yuzu.]

So just keep feeling, Fanyus. Yuzu will be better than ok. We will be better than ok. And I am certain we will look back and realize we never should’ve had a moment of anxiety about this next stage. It is going to be beyond anything we ever could’ve imagined…

Just like Yuzu.

*Since writing this post, the dress shoes have also sold out.