Yuzuru Hanyu is My Emergency Contact

But we don’t let these fantasies interfere with our “real” lives.

There comes a point when you have to draw the line. Hm. Draw the line. That phrase elicits totally different feelings in someone nearly animogamous… But we are real people and we do have real lives. In fact, one time, my mom, sister and I were planning a trip to Disney World. Planning around three different jobs, discount seasons, extra magic hours, hotel vacancy, park decor and the availability of a troll horn [it’s a SNACK, people] we found ourselves several hours in and still unable to find a week suitable for everyone. Finally, we found one. Eureka! Until I checked the calendar on my phone.  

“Oh. Wait,” I interject. “That doesn’t work for me.”

“Why?” my sister asks. “Monthly reports? That conference?”

“No,” I reply. “Yuzu’s in Helsinki that week.”

Then, he was going to be in Moscow. Then Vancouver. Hey. It’s not my fault Yuzu was going to be living Small World when we wanted to be riding it.

Speaking of a small world, did you know that Japan is THIRTEEN hours ahead of the United States Eastern time zone? I do now! I have officially started living 23 hour days. Why? Three words: ForJoy Japanese TV [Formerly known as FujiTV. RIP FujiTV and your merciful “free 24-hour subscription trials” which I may or may not have created 75 different email accounts to take advantage of…]. Anyway, I believe ForJoy TV was created solely for Yuzuru Hanyu fans. Nearly every weekend, at least one channel will show a past competition, ice show or victory parade. Prime time has become 1-5 AM, which has led to another phenomenon. The next day, I go into my kitchen to find cabinets open, my microwave door ajar and cups and plates in very strange places. This is the result of no commercials on ForJoy TV live streams. You try making a soft pretzel at 3:20 in the morning while not taking your eyes off the television screen in the other room. The state of my kitchen says two things:

We’ve either had the Rapture or Fantasy on Ice Makuhari. Either way, you’re gonna need a soft pretzel.

But back to the Disney planning. After finding a suitable date sometime after the 2022 Winter Olympics in Beijing, we needed to start facing some other serious logistical issues. How to fit me, my mom, my sister and all our luggage in the car…along with Chansung and Yuzu. Of course my sister had her own blazing ideas. My bigger concern was who Yuzu would room with if Chansung couldn’t go. My sister’s response to this? “I’m not sure you’re a real girl. All those animated guys have killed your hormones.” At hearing this comment, Kaneki sprouted giant, red tentacles out of his back, Obi drew his lightsaber and poor, sweet Arima stabbed himself with a pen.